Life and Prime Numbers

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-09T00:42:00.002-06:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

I have worked 52 hours in the past 4 days. Now I am sitting in bed with my computer and my gratitude journal is on the other side of the room. And I'm not getting up. So I guess I'll just have to write all my tired mind can think of to be thankful for after four days of 12 and 16 hour shifts.

Here is what comes to mind...

I am thankful I have been given:

sufficient health, allowing me to care for the sick
sufficient strength, allowing me to care for the weak
sufficient energy, allowing me to care for the fatigued
sufficient stability, allowing me to care for those whose lives have been disrupted
an extremely low-maintenance dog who is perfectly content to spend 20+ hours a day curled up in her kennel
a weekend off. especially since it is a weekend with my family.

I guess in summary, I am thankful that HE is sufficient, that I have been blessed with a job that I enjoy (most days), and that I have the greatest family in the world.

And, I like my dog.

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-02T00:06:00.002-06:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).
And.....we're back.

Sorry about November. Long days at work, short nights, unexpected trips home and a general lack of discipline is NOT a good combo for this blog in general and Thankful Thursday in particular. I slept for almost three straight days over Thanksgiving break and got back into my routine this week, so hopefully December will be a different story.

Anyway, here are a few things that brought praises to my lips and gratitude to my heart over the past few weeks:

The silly grin stuck on Chris' face when I walked into his surprise birthday party (in Milwaukee) playing my accordion.
Having the Brennas all to myself.
Laughing with my sisters at quilt retreat.
Camp Lebanon and everything it means/represents in my life.
Lisa Abeler and the sweet Truth that comes out of her mouth.
Football games with my dad.
Lambeau, 50 yard line, 20 rows up. Awe.some.Seats.
Knowing that after years of not recognizing her own family (due to Alzheimer's), Alice saw Christ's face and had immediate and full knowledge of who he is.
Sitting at the Hanson's, listening to stories about the grandparents.
Re-telling those stories to my grandpa and watching him laugh and laugh.
GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Skyping with Laurel - SO good to hear her voice and see her sweet face!
My Christmas tree.
Kind strangers on the freeway who go out of their way to tell me my tire is going flat.
Shane & Shane's Christmas CD - what a beautiful aid to worship as I prepare for Christmas.
I serve a God who can do far more abundantly than all that I ask or think - to him be the glory!
Bright, sunny days in late November.
Sing for joy all the earth / the child has come to set you free / Join the angels in their song / Glory be, glory be!
Hallelujah, the Lord of all has come / to reconcile the nations to their God / Hallelujah, he's coming back again / to finish what began in Bethlehem.
The smell of lavender.

Thankful Thursday.

2011-11-17T23:53:00.001-06:00

Another 16 hour day. The hospital is so. stinkin. busy. And I am thankful.

I am thankful that I have been given a stable, well-paying job that I enjoy and that I am good at.
I am thankful that I have been given the health and strength to work for 16 hours in one day.
I am thankful for kind, flexible co-workers who will trade their Thursday shifts for my Friday shifts at the last minute so I can go home and be with my pseudo-family for their grandma's funeral.
I am thankful that it is okay that I didn't even keep a gratitude list this week - that I still remember that this is a means to an end, not an end in itself.
I am thankful that I get paid time-and-a-half when I work extra hours which means I can go all kinds of cool places like Hawaii and Nepal and China.
I am thankful that I have been given a soft, warm bed and I am especially thankful that I get to go crawl into it right now!

Nighty poo.

Don't poo in your nighty.

Uffda

2011-11-11T00:02:00.000-06:00

Today was much too long* and way to busy to consider doing anything besides try to keep my head above water at work. Sorry. No thankful Thursday. Sometimes when I know I'll be busy on Thursday, I type my list up on Wednesday but....yesterday was just as busy/exhausting. One of our hospitals is on "red light" which means it has reached full capacity....elective surgeries are postponed and the surgeries that have to happen get shipped off to the other hospital to recover. Not ideal, but there is no other choice. It is really good for business and really bad for the nurses working on a 24-bed unit that ask for 5 extra nurses and get zero.

I would type it up right now, but I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes from crossing. I've got a busy morning tomorrow before I pack up and head off to quilt retreat where I will be laughing with my sisters and resting from the internet until Sunday. So. stinkin. excited. So....maybe I'll get to it on Sunday evening. Or maybe the list will just be really long next week.

In the meantime....I am thankful for a dad who loves my blog so much that he emails me in the evening to remind me that I still haven't posted my Thankful Thursday post. He checks every couple of hours. Everyone needs at least one person who sees them only through their love-colored glasses. Thanks, Dad, (and Mom) for being that person.

*"Long" as in "exhausting," not "long" as in "had so many extra hours I didn't know what to do with myself." Just to clarify.

Thankful Thursday

2011-11-03T22:47:00.002-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

1461) Sleeping in the cave. I love that room.
1462) Curling up in a chair in the sun and taking a nap.
1463) Spending the afternoon with my parents at the hospital. I love them.
1464) Strong hugs from SNLers - being part of a community that cares about my dad even if they don't know him.
1465) The way Penny's ears fly back when she runs.
1466) Getting to know some new girls on the way to Fall Day Away and getting excited about being friends with them.
1467) Strong spiritual leadership - being excited about where our group is going under Ray's leadership.
1468) Solid exhortation to meditate on and memorize the Word. So good to be reminded of the significance of God's revelation.
1469) A quiet afternoon alone sitting on a bench on the top of a bluff overlooking a winding river, watching the river flow and admiring the last of the fall colors on the opposite bluff. Beautiful.
1470) Addressing letters to places like Nepal and China.
1471) Sitting around a campfire on a brisk fall night.
1472) A long conversation with Christel by the glow of the fire. I missed so many old friends today and yet foundations were laid for new friendships with some amazing people. Definitely a day when I need to be reminded to count my blessings and remember how faithfully God provides.
1473) Walking into church and immediately seeing people I (kind of) know wave me down to sit with them. Just what I needed this morning.
1474) String quartets.
1475) Long phone convos with Chinwe. So good to still be able to laugh and process life with her. Miss her like crazy.
1476) Calling Lindsay to tell her one quick thing and getting off the phone 45 minutes later.
1477) Laying on my bed with Kristy watching The Amazing Race and talking about relationships.
1478) Overtime. Thankful that I have the option to work more so I can support my gift-giving and travel habits.
1479) Having the skills to accurately determine when a patient needs to be transferred to a higher level of care.
1480)Lunch with Ray. Conversations with him always leave me feeling so encouraged - so blessed by the way he sees and names the gifts he sees in others - so exhorted by the way he applies biblical models to real situations - so encouraged by his heart for the SNL ministry.
1481) Curling up on the couch with Penny Poo to watch TV for 20 minutes and waking up 2 hours later.
1482) 3 hour dinner with my roommie. LOVE. So glad to finally have time for a good chat.
1483) Already starting to feel comfortable with my roommie and hearing the same from her - thankful for the way the Spirit binds even those who are slow to form relationships.
1484) Having a lot to contribute to my QI project team and practice committees. Finally feeling like I am becoming a strong leader on our unit.
1485) Buying a ticket to Houston - I get a hug from Lindsay Lou in six weeks!! CAN'T WAIT!!!
1486) Listening to the Mennonites walk around to the patient's rooms singing hymns. Probably my favorite thing about my job.
1487) Finding a nursing conference I could go to in Baltimore. Yay!
1488) Golden sunsets.
1489) Having a sister who celebrates Palindrome Day (11/02/2011) with genuine excitement and gusto. Love her.
1490) He is faithful. Constant. Unchanging. Sufficient. Glory be!!!

Thankful Thursday

2011-10-27T15:01:00.003-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

1421) Having a sweet patient with a severe crushed-hand injury continue to exclaim that everything turned out so well considering what happened. I love it when my patients help give me perspective.

1422) Laughing with my mom about her facebook-scrabble-playing habits. That woman is hilarious.

1423) Being really crabby when I went on my dinner break, calling Lindsay and going back to the floor feeling relaxed and happy. It's amazing what the simple sound of a dear voice can do for my spirit.

1424) Finished the Old Testament today...filled with hopeful anticipation for the New Testament tomorrow. Jesus is coming!!

1425) Listening to everyone fawn over Penny when we're out walking.

1426) Coming home to find my new roommate curled up on the couch with Penny in her lap, studying the Word. What a delightful scene.

1427) Staying overnight at work in an easy 1:1 - getting paid time-and-a-half to read three magazines, 200 pages in my book and catch up on my blogs. Yay for easy money!

1428) Watching the purple and pink sunrise as I drove home from work. I serve an amazing artist and his mercies are new every morning. Blessed be his name!!

1429) Having time with my new roommie to talk about life together - I'm so excited to get to know her better!

1430) Nice boys who offer other people their seat when they walk in late to a party.

1431) Learning to be handy - installing a shower rod all by myself, power tools and all. I'm so proud of myself!

1432) Waking up, getting up and immediately going back to bed for 3 hours. Thankful I was able to take the time to get the rest I needed.

1433) An EXCITING Vikes/Packers game. So fun to be at the dome for it. 3.5 out of 5 stars indeed.

1434) Hearing that my dad's sudden sickness is a kidney stone - sorry that he is so miserable but glad it is a short-term, fixable issue.

1435) Calling Lindsay and Julie and, 4 hours later, remembering what dear, dear friends I have.

1436) JULES!!! So very thankful for this dear woman of God and the blessing of journeying with her. Happy birthday, dear one!

1437) Hanging out with my dad in the hospital. As much as I hate seeing him uncomfortable and am sorry that it makes things back up for him at work, I REALLY enjoyed just sitting and chatting with him today!

1438) Being comfortable in a hospital environment. I have absolutely no regrets about going into the medical field.

1439) Birthday dinner with my sisters at a super yummy restaurant. I love those girls. So blessed to call them my own.

1440) Another lovely chat with my roommie. Thankful we can be honest with each other about our concerns and things we are excited about.

1441) ANGELA!!!! So thankful that I have the privilege of calling her "family." Happy birthday, sister!

1442) The sweet, compassionate, caring stranger who had the unfortunate luck of stumbling upon me in my sobbing mess as I waited for the shuttle after finding out my dad was on a ventilator in the ICU. What an amazing nurse she was - listening, comforting and distracting me while we waited. A gracious gift, indeed.

1443) Running into Carrie Wise on the shuttle - her reassurance, caring words and hug meant the world to me in that moment.

1444) Having so many people that care for me and my family that I don't know who to call first.

1445) My sweet roommate taking everything in stride when this person she barely knows comes home in a tear-streaked frenzy. Her hug and caring words were such a comfort to me.

1446) Friends who pray and text/email me Scripture in moments of crisis. Can't even being to put words to the gratitude I feel when I sense my friends and family being the Church.

1447) Seeing my sisters' faces when I walked into the ICU waiting room. There are no two faces in the world I would have rather seen in that moment (except maybe my mom's). I feel so blessed by the bond we share as sisters and friends.

1448) Receiving an abundance of sustaining grace that gave me the strength to remain calm and emotionally strong as I helped the nurses keep my dad calm while on the ventilator overnight.

1449) Sweet moments of rest when he was calm and I was able to just sit and watch him breathe - reflecting on how deeply I love him and how richly, abundantly blessed I am to have him as my daddy.

1450) Holding his hand as he came out of sedation - being able to tell when he began knowingly squeezing my hand back. Such a sweet moment for me.

1451) Watching the tube come out and having him cough and talk - what a sweet sound that deep, strong voice is to me!!!

1452) Being grateful to the point of tears over how well my family is cared for by our family and friends.

1453) Seeing my mom's face come around the corner; having all 5 of us together in Dad's room; knowing she wasn't alone anymore.

1454) The way my family laughs together.

1455) Friends who come to visit my family in the hospital. I know some amazing people.

1456) Cuddling with Ang in Dad's hospital bed.

1457) Bando and Brenda - I love their thoughtfulness (they brought Ang a bday cake!), the joy they bring to a room and they way the care for our family.

1458) Paula - an AWESOME nurse who so skillfully helped us adjust to seeing our dad on a ventilator and her experienced advice on what might be helpful or agitating to him. I was so thankful for her calm presence in the room when I first got to the hospital.

1459) Time to talk to my mom as we rode back to New Richmond. I love chatting with her.

1460) My daddy. Can't even come close to beginning to describe how blessed I feel to know him and be loved by him. He is and forever will be one of my favorite people in the entire world.

Thankful Thursday

2011-10-20T09:17:00.002-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

1391) Kyle's egg scrambles. Always SO good!!

1392) Listening to Julie process - I love how articulate she is and how well she is able to express herself.

1393) Game weekend - time with the family I have chosen and the family I have not chosen (though I would choose them in a heartbeat if given the choice!). Love every. single. one of them.

1394) Guest appearance by Linda Day. Love that she is like a 4th sister to us.

1395) Being excited for Hannah.

1396) Ang's hospitality - love how we are all so comfortable in her home.

1397) Laying on the bed reading Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes with Hannah and laughing until we cried.

1398) Fire in the backyard - doing highs & lows from the week. Have I mentioned lately how much I love these people?!?!?!

1399) Long naps on the couch with a cute little poodle curled up on my chest.

1400) Penny's bark - pretty sure I'll get annoyed that Mom trained her to bark when she wants to be picked up, but right now I think it's pretty cute.

1401) Bjorn & Aly's Pannekoeken. YUMMY!

1402) Hannah sitting over my legs while I lay on the couch watching football. I love football and I love cuddling. Lovely afternoon.

1403) Talking to Grandpa every Sunday. Should have started that routine 10 years ago. I. Love. That. Man.

1404) Laughing with my mom over Penny's new barking habits. Love the sound of her laugh.

1405) A quiet, productive evening at home. Thankful for feeling rested and ready for a busy week.

1407) Feeling productive and knowledgeable at work.

1408) A call from Rachel just to catch up.

1409) A sweet card from my roommie. Love her photography on the card. Love getting real mail. Love her kind words.

1410) A 5-year Mayo anniversary card from Shannon. Can't believe she remembers every year. Love it.

1411) Time to spend in the Word before I go to work.

1412) Having floor nurses ask if I will come be a staff nurse on their floor - and knowing they're serious.

1413) Hearing the charge nurse say she was relieved when staffing gave her my name.

1414) He has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and blameless before him.

1415) Being IN HIM - in him we have redemption through his blood....in him we have obtained an inheritance...in him we have been sealed with the promised Holy Spirit.

1416) Being able to use trials I have walked through to help support other friends.

1417) Jamie moved in! Thankful that I am genuinely excited for this new season.

1418) Hearing the laughter of my friends in my house.

1419) Tea with Kristy before going to work - so encouraging to talk with her.

1420) Sharing my home again - so thankful God provided such an amazing living situation for these past two years and so thankful I can trust that He can do it again.

Thankful Thursday

2011-10-13T23:45:00.006-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

I didn't keep a list again this week; however, this time it was moreso because I was so out of my routine, not because I was stubbornly resisting a spirit of gratitude. Thinking back over the last days with my roommie in Rochester and our week in Baltimore, I certainly have a lot to be thankful for...

-One last dinner date with my roommie. Having the opportunity to pray with her before her transition out east.

-A safe trip to Baltimore.

-Driving across the country in mid-October - the landscape was BREATH.TAK.ING. What an amazingly creative and gloriously beautiful Artist we serve.

-Being delightfully surprised by the non-awkwardness of staying with Chinwe's cousin. He is hands down the most pleasant and interesting cardiac surgeon I have ever met.

- Little girl giggles. The weight of a 5-year-old in my lap with her head against my chest, waiting to be tickled.

-Lunch along the PA tollway with Steve & Laura. So fun to see them!

-Eric visiting me in Baltimore. Listening to his laugh. Sharing a sense of humor with my cousin.

-Listening to the Edeani sisters laugh.

-Hugs from Amaka and the way she always smells so good.

-Seeing my roommie's new apartment and city - being given time to process the reality of her move.

-Having my dad remind me that relationships are worth investing in even though they cause pain.

-Talking to my mom when I'm sobbing, knowing she won't mind my blubbering and that she will somehow leave me feeling reassured.

-Cuddling with Chinwe on Monday morning, having the opportunity to try to find a few words (however inadequate they may be) to express what a joy and blessing it was to live with her for the past two years.

-Extended bedtime hugs. Holding on tight and yet, at some point, realizing you have to let go.

-Walking along the inner harbor - admiring the diversity of people, enjoying the scent of the sea and having lovely conversations with my dear friend.

-Being reminded that it is natural to perceive change as loss, but even Jesus had to leave the disciples in order for God to reveal more of himself through his Spirit.

-The bond of the Spirit that deepens relationships among believers in a supernatural way - knowing that the Spirit is able to provide those meaningful relationships for my roommie in Baltimore and that he will continue to deepen my relationships with people in Rochester.

-The opportunity to pray with Chinwe on my last night in Baltimore.

There were many other highlights and sweet memories from the trip. Thousands of little moments to be grateful for. But more than all of those specific instances, I find I am just intensely grateful for the blessing of the friendship of my roommie - for the ways God has revealed himself to me through her and for the many ways she has enriched my life.

I am also grateful that He is constant. Unchanging. Ever-present. Sufficient. And faithful.

God has indeed supplied all of my needs and in his grace he has given me abundantly more.

Blessed be his name.

An Open Letter From an Israelite

2011-10-06T17:00:00.002-05:00

Well friends, there will be no Thankful Thursday this week. The honest truth is that I have spent more time in the past week crying than thinking about what I have to be thankful for. My roommie is moving to Baltimore tomorrow and I am even sadder than I thought I would be (and I was prepared to be very, very sad). So, like the Israelite that I am, I choked down the manna of cool mornings and warm afternoons, fiery red trees and cloudless starry nights, long embraces from friends, hearty laughs with my sisters, sweet snuggles from my little poodle, and a strong assurance that I was chosen before the foundation of the world to stand holy and blameless before my righteous, faithful and sufficient God. And as every piece of grace rained down upon me, I grumbled over how unhappy I am with this new set of circumstances. I cried and cried....tears of sadness, tears of anger and even a few disgusting tears of self-pity.

Weeks like this are the exact reason I write my gratitude list in the first place - to turn my focus to the gifts I have received and away from the things I feel like I don't have (or in this case, feel like I am losing). But, in true human fashion, I clung to my sense of loss and discarded the very discipline that could help pull me out of my sorrow (with the exception of the weekend in KC with my family, which was a true blessing and great distraction for me....I kept a list for those couple of days and will tag it on to the front of next week's post).

I'm driving out to Baltimore with my roommie tomorrow. I am thankful for the opportunity to spend some time with her as a sweet cap to our two years together. I am thankful that I don't have to stand in the doorway and watch her drive away from our house for the last time. And I am thankful that my God is constant, ever-present and sufficient in every way.

If you want, you could join me in praying that I will be good company on the trip. In the past week, I have consistently withdrawn into my cocoon of sadness and have rarely made it more than 4 hours without crying. A real Debbie Downer, to be sure. I am praying for an extra measure of energy for the trip, a genuine excitement for the new things awaiting my dear friend and a depth of joy that can only come from Him and Him alone. All of these things require me to die to self which is not something I am particularly good at. I guess I'm asking to be broken and healed at the same time. And I trust that his Spirit is powerful and gracious enough to do just that.

Under Mercy,

Eva Joy

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-29T23:04:00.003-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

1301) Good conversations with my manager - stepping into leadership and feeling like I have her support.

1302) Breakfast & prayer with my roommie - can't believe she's leaving in two weeks - cherishing our precious time together.

1303) Making accurate and prompt nursing judgments.

1304) Working with Kristy - getting rides home from work - chatting in the car.

1305) A sweet, chuckling, good-natured farmer. One of my favorite patients ever.

1306) LONG catch-up convos with Lindsay Lou. Crying with her as I cruise down I-94. I love that girl. Thankful for the honesty we have between us.

1307) Finally getting some answers about Penny's skin from the dermatologist!! I am optimistic that we might actually be able to solve this!

1308) Running into Josh at the conference - long, encouraging catch-up convos in the convention center lobby. I so appreciate him.

1309) Lemon-ricotta pancakes at Hell's Kitchen. YUMMY!!!!

1310) The comfort/peace I feel at the mere sound of Pastor John's voice - I have been powerfully broken and redemptively healed by the truth God has spoken to me through that voice. The sound of it is a sweet, sweet thing to me.

1311) Listening to thousands of members of the Church worship with abandon.

1312) Powerful truths communicated engagingly and effectively - thankful for the gifts God has given men like Louie Giglio.

1313) Singing with the stars and the whales. One of the most profound worship experiences of my life.

1314) Wise, humble men of God who can speak about their journey of faith with some late-age wisdom.

1315) Bedtime chats with Kristy. What precious, godly friends I have!!!

1316) Listening to the way the Word of God simply pours out of David Platt's mouth - seeing how he is so saturated in the Word he can't help but speak it. Thankful to have an example set for me that I can aspire to!

1317) Vaughn Blackburn's hugs.

1318) The way I walk away from ever conversation with Vaughn with a smile on my face. That man simply exudes the joy of Christ.

1319) Running into Maryn (a college roommate I haven't seen in 5 years) - what a delightful surprise!

1320) Having the opportunity to get to know Trevor & Cassie a little better. I really like them.

1321) Worshipping an indescribably glorious, scandalously merciful God.

1322) Being able to joyfully and confidently proclaim: You are stronger/You are stronger/Sin is broken/You have saved me/It is written/Christ is risen/Jesus, You are Lord of all!

1323) Spending time in prayer with the group from Rochester.

1324) The opportunity to process an overwhelming number of new thoughts with trusted friends.

1325) Being so intimately loved & known by One so worthy of all praise.

1326) Knowing/trusting that my weak spirit will find its strength, my hungry soul will receive grace, I will find my way, my fear will find no place, the enemy will flee and I will feel no shame at the sound of His. great. name.

1327) The Lamb of God, slain for me - my Redeemer, Healer, Savior and Defender!

1328) Being reminded that material blessings are not a curse, but they can become a curse if not used for the purpose God intends.

1329) Taking a nap on Emily's couch during the Vikings game because I feel so at home and our friendship is so comfortable.

1330) Linda Day. She has been a significant source of joy and wisdom in my life.

1331) Seeing Penny in the Halloween costume my sisters bought for her. Un.freakin.believable.

1332) Chatting with Faith when I call Grandpa - realizing how much she enjoys my blog. What an encouragement.

1333) Grandpa's chuckle.

1334) Seeing evidence of answered prayer in a friend's life.

1335) Coming home to my roommie.

1336) Jesus/Worthy is the Lamb/Who was slain for us/the Son of God and man/You are high and lifted up/And all the world will praise/Your great name

1337) Seeing the relief in the face of my expressive aphasic patient when I figured out what she was trying to tell me.

1338) Hallelujah/All I have is Christ/Hallelujah/Jesus is my life

1339) Flexaril and Icy Hot patches. Thankful that they allowed me to move at all today, as slight as the movement may have been.

1340) Penny's excited snuggles.

1341) Being incapacitated by horrendous neck pain and finding myself grateful for how many days I have lived completely pain-free.

1342) The gift of the Holy Spirit - being reminded that when God commands us to do something, he also provides the strength to do it.

1343) Feeling prompted to pray. It's nice to have that feeling return after quenching it for so many years.

1344) The "many proofs" Jesus gave of his bodily resurrection.

1345) My roommate's laugh.

1346) Flaming red trees.

1347) Jesus friend of sinners/I love to tell the story/Redeeming love has been my theme/And will be when in glory/Not death nor life nor anything/Can ever separate me/O love that will not let me go/Yes, I am His forever

1348) A delightful lunch conversation with a perfect stranger - discussing our faith, different cultures and advanced degree programs. Who knew talking to people could be so fun?!?!

1349) Dinner with my roommie. That time is so very precious to me.

1350) Being told by friends twice in one week that they think I love people well.

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-22T09:34:00.002-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

1266) Comforting a patient's family member as she miscarried - SO devastating, but a good reminder that my job is full of holy moments.

1267) Pleasant, funny, conversant patients. They make the day so enjoyable.

1268) A lovely conversation with my aunt Brenda on my dinner break. I love my family.

1269) Cute little babies with heads full of hair.

1270) A God who pursues.

1271) Having good rapport with my primary physician...the way she values my thoughts/input on my plan of care...the way I trust her to help me make good medical decisions.

1272) Seeing Penny again after two weeks! I missed her!!

1273) Semi-impromptu lunch with Julie. I love when I am able to see her face-to-face.

1274) A lovely visit to the winery with three lovely ladies.

1275) Realizing the discipline of keeping this list really works - helps me see beauty in my day even if I feel crappy.

1276) Spending an entire day in my kitchen cooking and watching childhood movies. Love.

1277) Having my house so full of friends that there is hardly room to turn around.

1278) Allowing myself time to sneak away from the party to be alone for a while.

1279) Standing upstairs listening to the dull roar of voices downstairs. There is something I just absolutely love about that sound.

1280) Having friends who can sense how I feel even when I am trying to put on my party face. Those are precious friends indeed.

1281) A day of rest to "hop off the merry-go-round" - spending a total of half an hour out of bed.

1282) Feeling refreshed.

1283) Watching the Emmys in bed with my roommie.

1284) Strong belly laughs at the impromptu Emmy "pageant" - some people are just SO funny.

1285) Having friends who understand when I need time alone.

1286) Rocking an 11-month-old abuse victim for 2 hours while she slept soundly. I love the weight of a baby in my lap.

1287) Coming to terms with how deeply I want to be a mother - enjoying little glimpses of the things it would stir up within me, especially my protective instinct.

1288) Sleeping baby grunts.

1289) Penny getting such a cute haircut that I can't stop giggling.

1290) A roommate who will get up off the floor just to give me a bedtime hug.

1291) Spending the day in class with David teaching. So fun!

1292) The energy I get when I decide I want to figure out how to solve a problem.

1293) Time to get back to the gym.

1294) Friends who can be vulnerable and honest with where they are at.

1295) Opportunities to speak truth and pray with a sister in Christ. Such a privilege to be able to bring each other before the throne.

1296) Breath.tak.ing sunrises.

1297) Knowing how to solve problems at work.

1298) Changing into sweats and sitting down after working really, really hard.

1299) Listening to acapella groups on The Singoff. It is AMAZING what people can do with their voices!!

1300) Being in relationship with a faithful God who relentlessly pursues me.

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-15T00:18:00.002-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

1236) Lunch at the Cheers bar. Brought back all sorts of sweet memories of laying in my mom's bed late at night when I was little, watching Cheers before we went to bed.

1237) Funny text convos with Linda, Chinwe, Ang and Han. I love sharing a sense of humor with my friends and family.

1238) Cheesecake Factory cheesecake!

1239) Talking/laughing with Mom every night. Best part of vacation.

1240) Feeling passionate about something.

1241) Talking to a "charting by exception" poster presenter - realizing she might be a great resource if we do another float practice project. Turns out I kind of like networking!

1242) Seeing how my international experiences have given me insight into my nursing practice.

1243) De.lic.ious. dinner at Capitol Grill. One of the best. steaks. of. my. life. (right up there with my Mexico meal)!!

1244) Enjoying funny text conversations with family & friends.

1245) Being inspired by a woman's strength to tell the story of her mother's harrowing experience in the hospital. So sad. So powerful.

1246) Insightful personality testing.

1247) Discovering that I have the "classic" Myers Briggs profile for a nurse. Affirming to know I fit in my job!

1248) 10 years since the towers fell. Thankful for all of the men and women who have served our country, giving their lives or other pieces of themselves for our freedom.

1249) Engaging speakers - I love listening to people who can speak well about something they are passionate about.

1250) Being incredibly close to a breaching whale. Breathtaking. Powerful. Beautiful.

1251) Smores fondue at the Melting Pot. Yummy!!

1252) Walking the Freedom Trail - I LOVE Boston! I love the history, the architecture, the beauty, the life of this city!

1253) Standing on the Long Wharf, looking back into the city, admiring the historical architecture while hearing three different languages being spoken around me. I want to live in a city!!

1254) Climbing to the top of the Bunker Hill Monument - 294 steps! Thankful for a strong body, good health and intriguing history!

1255) Mike's Pastry - my first cannoli and it. was. delicious!

1256) Amaka. I love that girl! I am so blessed to know that family!!

1257) Having Amaka grab my hand as we caught up and walked to lunch. Instantly transported me back to Nigeria when Auntie Chanessa held my hand moments after meeting me and led me out of the airport. So welcoming. There are definitely things I love about that culture. I wish we were more free to touch and be touched here without always making it an intimate thing.

1258) Having my cheeks literally hurt by the end of lunch from smiling/laughing so hard.

1259) Lovely conversations with Amaka throughout the afternoon and evening - the opportunity to get to know her better.

1260) The way Amaka lives her life with such strength, dignity, humor and honesty.

1261) Amaka's eggs and bacon! YUMMY!!!

1262) Putting on my big girl pants, making long-put-off phone calls and taking care of business. I don't always enjoy doing adult things, but it sure is rewarding to get things done!

1263) Catching whiffs of Amaka on my clothes hours after I left her place.

1264) My aunt Brenda - talking to her about taking care of Penny - her graciousness & generosity - how fun she is to talk to.

1265) Catching up with Chinwe when I got home. I love her dearly.

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-08T07:41:00.001-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

1201) The health & strength to work and make a living.

1202) Being in a profession I love.

1203) Working for an employer who respects their employees.

1204) Being experienced enough to not allow myself to be manipulated by a drug seeker.

1205) Coming home to Penny excited to see me after a day away.

1206) Time to get errands done before work.

1207) Having my patient ask me not to leave at 3:00.

1208) Really, really sweet, confused old men.

1209) Three lovely ladies to bring along to the cabin.

1210) Laughing hysterically at This American Life. I love that program.

1211) Getting out of the car and being greeted by dozens of faces of people I love. Hugs all around! I love my family & friends.

1212) Backyard talks with Jules - holding her feet on my lap while she talks about school...marriage...life...

1213) Encouraging convos with Josh. Love how his words drip with his passion for the gospel.

1214) Terry's smirk. It will never get old.

1215) BEAUTIFUL sunsets at the lake!! Breathtaking!!!

1216) Dear ones whom I love, gathered around a campfire, telling stories and laughing.

1217) Nutella and marshmallow camper pies. BRILLIANT!

1218) Discovering fun new games (What's Yours Like?).

1219) Laughing until there are tears.

1220) Tear-filled prayer with Jill.

1221) Watching Austin climb up onto the roof of the house to retrieve a frisbee and then jumping back down. He is a crazy monkey of a man.

1222) Kan-Jam. My new favorite backyard game!

1223) Chinwe's laugh.

1224) Hugs from Kristy's parents.

1225) The amazing blessing of the cabin and all of the things that take place there - so thankful for Hannah's generosity.

1226) Calming the fears of a tearful, anxious patient. Being able to get her to smile.

1227) Good morning hugs.

1228) Safe travels to Boston.

1229) Traveling. I just. love. traveling.

1230) Being able to navigate the Boston transit system with ease.

1231) The opportunity to tour Boston - such a cool city!

1232) Thankful for the men and women in our nation's history who fought & planned & rode & revolted for our freedom.

1233) A YUMMY full-lobster dinner at a high-end seafood restaurant. SO good!!

1234) My job's benefits - LOVE that they pay for me to travel and that I can eat at places I would never go to otherwise! I love my job!!!!

1235) History. I LOVE learning things!

Happy as a Clam

2011-09-07T22:44:00.005-05:00

This past weekend, someone (I don't remember who) stated they were "happy as a clam." Someone (Linda Day?) wondered out loud how, exactly we know that clams are so happy. It was suggested that clams are considered happy because they look like they are smiling. I joined the conversation by expressing that I was as angry as a clam who looks like it is frowning because it's been turned over on it's head. I have to admit, that phrase doesn't roll off the tongue quite as easily.

I enjoy knowing the history of phrases and, as it turns out, that phrase does NOT refer to a clam's smile. From "The Phrase Finder:"

Meaning
Very happy and content.
Origin
Why would clams be happy? It has been suggested that open clams give the appearance of smiling. The derivation is more likely to come from the fuller version of the phrase, now rarely heard - 'as happy as a clam at high water'. Hide tide is when clams are free from the attentions of predators; surely the happiest of times in the bivalve mollusc world.

And, from an idioms dictionary:

Etymology: based on the full form of the phrase happy as a clam in mud at high tide (a clam that cannot be dug up and eaten, which therefore could be considered happy)

I am currently in Boston for a nursing conference. I love the benefits of my job - they pay the conference registration fee, fly me out here, put me up in a nice hotel and reimburse me up to $75/day for food. Breakfast and lunch are provided at the conference, so that means I will be going out for REALLY nice dinners the next few nights! I started tonight with a lobster feast at a high-end seafood restaurant (you know, the kind where they scrape the crumbs off the table in between courses, put pieces of mesh over the lemon wedges so you don't get any pulp on your food when you squeeze it, and the waitress has to explain to you that the lobster head on your plate is considered a delicacy so you CAN eat it, but you certainly don't have to). Um....I love my job.

Boston is a beautiful city. I am a history nut and I have absolutely LOVED roaming around the city, learning more about the events surrounding the start of the Revolutionary War and admiring the beauty of the historical buildings. We simply don't have anything like that in the Midwest!

And so, despite the rain, I can truly say that I had a wonderful first day in Boston.

Or, in other words, I am happy as a clam. In mud. At high tide. That looks like it's smiling.

Oh, also, when I got home from the cabin last weekend (you know, where we had the "happy as a clam" conversation), I found this cartoon waiting for me on one of my blogs. It was kind of like when you learn a new word and then you hear it five more times that same day.

Thankful Thursday: August (Part 2)

2011-09-01T09:46:00.000-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here).

1136) My sweet elderly patient randomly saying, "You sure are a good-lookin' young girl." (It wasn't creepy. I promise).

1137) Having the floor nurses ask if I would consider working on their floor.

1138) Overhearing in charge nurse report, "And you also have Eva. She's a house float and she's awesome. You'll love her."

1139) Having family members of both of my patients thank me for my good care.

1140) Penny's cute little wet paw prints on the concrete patio.

1141) Connecting with a patient's wife well enough to be moved to tears by her strength and emotion as she prepares for his death.

1142) Feeling as though I have been able to genuinely lighten the burden for a patient's family member.

1143) Walking to DQ with the Oostras - love feeling like I live near them.

1144) Praying with Jules in a hotel parking lot.

1145) Hanging out with Ang at the hotel - officially starting vacation! Yay!!!!

1146) Traveling with my sisters - I take for granted how well we travel together.

1147) Mary Beth Chapman's book "Choosing to See" - thankful for her honesty and insight.

1148) Watching Ang get her hands bomb-swabbed in the security line. Classic.

1149) My dear mother's delightful cry of joy when she greeted us at the airport.

1150) My first horse show! Fun to see Lizzy jump with her horse.

1151) Kicking off vacay with a morning at one of the top 10 destination spas in the nation. Ah.Maz.Ing.

1152) Eucalyptus saunas.

1154) Sweet convo with MB while we shucked corn. Thankful that she trusts me. Still thankful for the summers I got to spend with her.

1155) Curling up with a full stomach and a good book.

1156) Making my mom laugh - having her repeatedly tell me how funny she thinks I am.

1157) A week in PA with my sister. Love that we love doing the same things. Wish Hannah was here.

1158) Hugs from Daddy.

1159) Lazy mornings with ample time to spend in the Word.

1160) Hearing my parent's engagement story for the first time.

1161) Mom getting excited to play Z-type together. :-)

1162) Pontoon rides around the lake.

1163) Chatting with Hannah - having her correctly guess what we had for dinner for the third night in a row. Crazy funny.

1164) Time to read. Just finished my third book in four days. I love vacation.

1165) Not being afraid to disagree with my family.

1166) Hearing doctors talk about how they view nurses and realizing how blessed I am to work with physicians who treat me well and respect my role.

1167) Mosquito-less campfires on the shore of Lake Wallenpaupack.

1168) Touring multi-million dollar homes. Bea.u.ti.ful.

1169) Delicious steaks with spicy orange sauce. Yum!!

1170) Finishing my 4th book in 5 days. So relaxing to have time to read!!!

1171) RITAS!!!!!

1172) Hannah arrived safely - so good to have the family complete!

1173) The opportunity for a good convo with Ang about church on the ride to the airport.

1174) Seeing the sign at McDonald's: "This establishment has gone 3 days without an accident." LOVE laughing with my sisters!

1175) Fun opportunity to attend a live QVC show - so fun to see MB at work. She is so gifted!!

1176) Beautiful Marie Osmond dolls that remind me of my grandma.

1177) Getting re-scheduled flights to work out fairly well despite the hurricane (bonus day of vacation and I only miss 4 hours of work!)

1178) Seeing/hanging out with Eric. I love the friendship I have with him!

1179) Rest.

1180) Safety during the hurricane.

1181) Cookie dough.

1182) Time to go to a movie in the theater.

1183) Not even taking my wallet to the theater because I can presume my daddy will gladly treat.

1184) The Help - great movie. Thankful that we are at least making some progress on how we relate to people who are different than us.

1185) Soul Surfer - being moved to tears by a movie - being encouraged by another's faith and perseverance.

1186) Talking to Grandpa - always a weekly highlight for me!!

1187) Extremely encouraging phone call from Ray - so empowering to have someone point out strengths/gifts they see in my life and how those things can benefit the community.

1188) My aunt and uncle's generosity. Can't believe we get to come out here every year - they are so good to us!!

1189) Remembering what an impact this place and this family had on my life in those two summers I lived out here - trying hard not to be heartsick with my desire to return to those summers - just being thankful for what they were.

1190) Watching the humble ways my Uncle Mark serves his church and his family. I have so much respect for that man.

1191) Tearful goodbyes - love that we enjoy our extended family so much.

1192) Kyle's ever-constant willingness to drive me to and from the airport. Love how generous he is with his time.

1193) Jules got into her classes! Answer to prayer!! YAY!!!

1194) Seeing my roommate after 10 days away - I missed her!!

1195) Penny actually remembering who I am.

1197) Sweet comments on my blog from my aunt Faith. She is so generous with her compliments!

1198) Getting some quality time with my roommie after hardly seeing her for two weeks. I cherish my convos with her.

1199) The opportunity to approach God's throne with confidence, knowing that he hears our prayers.

1200) Grace.

2011-08-31T04:21:00.005-05:00

During the final 4 days of my vacation, I read:

The Invisible Wall: A Love Story that Broke Barriers by Harry Bernstein - Bernstein's biography was recommend to me by a stranger I met in the airport on my way home from a family cruise this spring. I was telling the individual about Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand (one of the most compelling books I have read in several years) and, based on my declared love of biographies, they suggested The Invisible Wall be added to my reading list. Set in England in the early 1900s, Harry's family lives on the Jewish side of the street while the other side is lined with Christian families. The many conflicts surrounding the social and religious boundaries of the time come to a head when Harry's sister falls in love with a Christian boy from across the street. Other than some interesting insights into Jewish culture, I did not find it to be a terribly compelling story. Prolly would only recommend it to the deepest lovers of biographies.

Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer - Jon Krakauer, journalist, recounts his experience as part of the worst climbing disaster in the history of Mt Everest. Much controversy still remains over who was responsible for some of the events that took place which makes for an interesting story. There were many people involved in the climb that fateful day in 1996 which makes for a confusing read at times (I had trouble keeping track of who was who) but other than that, loved this book. I am hoping to see the movie soon to help put some faces to all of the names.

Fidelity by Wendell Berry - Although Berry did not author any of my three favorite novels (Godric, Gilead and the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime), he did pen my fourth favorite (Jayber Crow) and he is quickly becoming my favorite all-around author. I have not read anything he has written (novels or poems) that I have not thoroughly enjoyed. His writings are beautiful reflections on community, relationships, faith, rooted-ness, nature, hard work and, as the title of this book suggests, fidelity (in all areas of life, not just concerning marriage). I would strongly suggest his works to any reader. Although the five short stories contained in Fidelity could stand on their own, I would suggest reading Jayber Crow first as the short stories in Fidelity concern other members of the Port Williams community. You don't need any background from Jayber Crow to appreciate the stories in Fidelity. However, falling in love with Port Williams through Jayber's story may result in deeper affections for the characters contained in Fidelity.

watched:

The Help - I really enjoyed the movie. Of course, as always, the book is much richer and has the opportunity to develop the characters more satisfactorily, but I was pleased with what the movie was able to do with the story. There are some great performances by the women in this movie.

Soul Surfer - I cannot remember the last time I cried that hard at a movie. I mean, I tear up a lot (after all, I am a crier by nature) but it is a rare movie that brings me to shoulder-shaking, breath-catching, desperate-for-a-kleenex sobs. So....be prepared. The love and care that this family shows for one another (husband to wife, parent to child, AND brother to sister) is absolutely overwhelming. And I think it struck me even harder because it is not an unrealistic, happy-go-lucky, Hollywood kind of love and care. It is real, gritty compassion in the face of fights and fear and differing perspectives on how to handle a difficult and confusing situation. What an incredible testimony they have! My only complaint: Carrie Underwood is NOT a convincing actress. I love her voice, but she gets two thumbs down from me in the movie.

The Conspirator - Prior to watching this movie, I knew nothing of the others (besides John Wilkes Booth) involved in the conspiracy to assassinate Lincoln (and VP Johnson and the Secretary of State...I never realized they were targets, too...). I really enjoyed the movie, although I could see how someone who is not intrigued by history may find it a little slow-moving. I found it extremely interesting to see the biased nature of Surratt's trial and the ways the authorities justified those biases. Made me want to go read more about the circumstances surrounding the assassinations, the nation's reaction and the fates of all those involved. Maybe on my next vacation...

and survived:

An Earthquake - In all honesty, we were out on the lake when the earthquake struck, so we didn't feel a thing. We only knew about from all the texts that my cousin received and from the guy at the hardware store who said all of his tools were shaking on the shelves.

Hurricane Irene - Thankfully we were NOT among the "hundreds of thousands" without power. The neighborhood where my aunt and uncle live was actually fairly well protected, although their town, just a mile away, was still without power when we flew out on Monday afternoon (storm hit us Saturday night into Sunday morning). The main effect of the storm for my family was changing all of our flight plans (a SMALL problem compared to all of the flooding/damage/power issues faced by so many in the region!!). My family collectively spent 12 hours on hold with airlines trying to reschedule our flights. Although it did cause some problems for my other family members (my sisters both cut their vacation short and flew home early and my parents both missed an extra day of work), I got an extra day of vacation and only missed 4 hours of work. No complaints here!

I'm just glad we made it out before the locusts showed up...

Thankful Thursday: August (Part 1)

2011-08-25T00:27:00.003-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

1076) Lovely dinner at Chesters with lovely women.

1077) The joy of making people laugh.

1078) Finally putting on my big-girl-pants and getting my house refinanced. Reading through all those documents and realizing somewhere over the course of the past 5 years, I started understanding some of this stuff.

1079) Getting an awesomely helpful loan officer.

1080)My dear father who takes time out of his busy work day to talk through finances with me and that I can trust him to hep me make decisions.

1081) The girls on the Hem/Onc/BMT Practice Committee. I love that group. So fun.

1082) The joy I find in telling stories and making people laugh.

1083) Taking to Rebecca about church at Calvary - an invite for lunch after church next Sunday - seeing God's hand in the development of that relationship as I think about transitioning to a church in town.

1084) The breathtaking sunset.

1085) My sweet surgical patient who was so grateful despite her situation - kept exclaiming what a great day it had been and how Jesus had blessed her in so many ways - having the opportunity to talk about my faith with her.

1086) Friends who drive all the way down from the cities to visit - means so much to me.

1087) Sweet conversations with Julie at my kitchen table.

1088) Communicating clearly and directly at the Kenya meeting - not hiding how I feel.

1089) Dinner and a movie with my roommie. Relaxing evening. I love going to the theater and I adore my roommie.

1090) God's grace, sufficient for the day.

1091) Driving to LP and back with Chinwe. Love spending concentrated time with her.

1092) Good convos in the truck - the opportunity for me to process some things out loud and to listen & get to know her better.

1093) Chinwe's laugh.

1094) Mark and Emily got engaged!!! So happy for them! Love listening to them tell the story. Love Em's constant smile.

1096) Listening to the operatic song intro at church - makes my heart rejoice in such a unique way.

1097) Painful yet beautiful tears of worship.

1098) Serving a God who relentlessly pursues me.

1099) Good conversation with Jamie - honest communication and an opportunity to know her better.

1100) Grandpa's laugh.

1101) Finding out I get to stay on the Hem/Onc/BMT Practice Committee when I take over as chair for the Float Practice Committee. So happy....I love those meetings!!

1102) Confident communication with my manager.

1103) Three absolutely delightful patients.

1104) Having the BMT nurse manager tell me that the email I sent the PA supervisor regarding a staff member's poor communication was very well written and greatly appreciated.

1105) The opportunity to pick up overtime.

1106) A lovely conversation with my manicurist about her life in a refugee camp in Cambodia, immigrating to Rochester in the 80s, her new grandson, Cambodian culture, etc.

1107) Laying in the park with Penny, reading magazines.

1108) Sitting on the porch with Jill and Kristy, eating rum cake and talking about life.

1109) Dinner with Chinwe - laughing until I feel like I can't breathe, appreciating her honesty, striking yoga poses and praying with her.

1110) Our faithful God who causes the same sun to rise on the good days and the bad. Love his constancy.

1111) A patient, gracious God who welcomes us back even after we've gone whoring after idols.

1112) He rejoices over me with gladness, he quiets me by his love, he exults over me with loud singing.

1113) A covenant-keeping God who has proven his faithfulness all the way back to the days of Abraham.

1114) Receiving a sweet letter from Grandpa saying he loves me, he is proud of me, that he prays I will love and serve God with all my heart and that he looks forward to the day when he and Grandma greet me in heaven.

1115) An extremely generous and highly unexpected gift enclosed with the letter.

1116) Having the chance to work with Kristy - what a delight!

1117) Talking to Grandpa on my dinner break - so hard to know how to thank him for his generous gift. So good to cry tears of joy and gratitude with him.

1118) Telling my mom about the letters - neither one of us being able to talk because we're both crying so hard - being reminded how much I love being cut from the same cloth as her.

1119) Hearing Mom say that her "big gift" is getting to spend so much of her time with three of Grandpa's grandchildren.

1120) Breakfast with Annie & Chinwe - lovely to spend time with those women.

1121) Having time to read. How relaxing.

1122) The beautiful gift of Buechner's writing. It's amazing what he can do with words!!

1123) Afternoon naps.

1124) Finally watching Singing in the Rain with my roommie - what a delightful movie!

1125) Rest.

1126) Meeting amazing girls at church - getting invited out to lunch and talking about the sermon, the role of preaching in the church, the significance of the local church, traveling, missions, etc. - pretty much everything that makes me tick. :-) So good to have God repeatedly confirm his place for me at Calvary!

1127) Talking to every member of my family and my Grandpa (twice) this weekend - I love them all so very much and am so blessed to call them my own!!

1128) Laying in the park for hours reading with my dog at my side and the sun on my legs.

1129) Catching up with Josh - love the way he encourages me with the Word and sharpens my eye to look at things from a biblical perspective. Also love having friendships that run deep enough to withstand long periods of non-maintenance.

1130) Late night chats with Linds about church, relationships, sin, faith, futures and just about everything in between. Love. That. Girl.

1131) Oostra's 2nd year anniversary. Thankful to have both of them in my life.

1132) Lunch with Brenna's at BWW. Love. That. Couple.

1133) Being able to trust that certain friends always want to hear the long version.

1134) Getting a "random" call from Ray asking if I wanted to get more deeply involved in SNL - something that's been on my mind a lot in the last month. I love how God prepares our hearts for the ministries he has prepared for us.

1135) High-energy days.

2011-08-24T17:54:00.005-05:00

5 days into vacation and so far, I have read:

Choosing to See: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman: Highly recommended. Mrs. Chapman writes with an honest, refreshing voice. She finds a beautiful way to balance the pain and humor of life and I found myself laughing out loud and weeping uncontrollably (seriously....had to put the book down because I couldn't see the words) at different points of the book. She doesn't sugarcoat the difficulty/confusion/searing pain/despair of losing a child and yet somehow the book ends up feeling hopeful. Insightful writing.
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen: I enjoyed this book, but not quite as much as I was expecting to enjoy it. I think the recommendation I got may have built it up a bit too much for me. I was expecting it to be one of the best books I read all year, and it ended up being *just* a novel that I enjoyed. I'm glad I read it. I don't imagine I'll ever read it again. I intend to see the movie (hopefully with my sister who has also read the book) and I really enjoy reading the book before seeing a book-based movie, so that was a plus. Good storytelling. One good plot twist.
The Help by Kathryn Stockett: Really enjoyed this book. I would recommend it. Really looking forward to seeing the movie on Saturday. Well-written. Meaningful attempt at addressing race relations in the 60s. For some reason, I have a feeling I may enjoy the movie more than the book, but...that's not to say I didn't enjoy the book. Just means how I can see how the story could be portrayed powerfully on the screen.
A Stolen Life: A Memoir by Jaycee Dugard: Picked this one up off my aunt's coffee table and got interested in it. Somehow, I was oblivious to this girl's story (kidnapped when she was 11, held captive for 18 years and was found, along with her 2 children, in 2009). It's an easy read (in readability NOT in content) and provides an intriguing look at what goes through the mind of a victim in that situation. Graphic at times. I found myself vacillating between rage and despair over the depth of humanity's depravity. It is absolutely astounding to think about how disgustingly twisted a person can be and also astounding to think about what certain people are able to survive.

and watched:

How Do You Know: Not worth your time. RomCom is somewhere mid- to low- on my "preferred genre" list and this was REALLY far down on my "RomComs worth watching" list. (Both of which are hypothetical lists, just to be clear). I don't have much more to say than that. Simply wasn't that good.
The Adjustment Bureau : I enjoyed this movie. (Hmm...I'm getting tired. Suddenly don't have much to say. Will try to finish this....two more movies to go....). I like Matt Damon in this movie. Not necessarily one I would choose to watch again (I tend to judge books and movies on their re-readability or re-watchability) but I enjoyed watching it the first time through. So....moderate to high recommendation.
Unstoppable (again): I saw this movie at my parent's place in May. Didn't necessarily plan on watching it again, but it was on TV while I was sitting in the room reading, and it grabbed my attention enough to pull me away from my book. So...that's saying something. Man, it's an intense movie. Really well done. I like Denzel and I am actually a big fan of the other actor although I don't know his name (I'm a fan of him in this movie....not even sure what other films he has done or if they are any good). I recommend it, but not if you're looking for a relaxing night at home. :-)

Thankful Thursdays: July (Part 2)

2011-08-18T09:59:00.001-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

1006) Sleeping in past 5:30am.

1007) Having Linds around, in general. So good to see her, hug her, talk to her, live with her.

1008) Impromptu dinner & movie nights.
1009) Hand massages from Jill.
1010) Steak on the grill, corn on the cob and sweet potato fries. Yum! I love summer!! And cooking for my friends.
1011) Realizing my love for the church is not limited to Bethlehem - my heart loves THE CHURCH - loves listening to the church sing its praises & loves hearing the Word preached.
1012) Snuggling with Linds and Chinwe while watching So You Think You Can Dance.
1013) Running errands with Lindsay - forgetting for just a moment that she no longer lives here.
1014) Calls from my dad every Sunday. I love that man with everything that is within me.
1015) Lindsay.
1016) Sweet talks with Linds late into the night - relationships, vices, observations on each other's life - is there anything we don't talk about?!?!?
1017) Sweet tears from Linds as she said goodbye. I. Love. That. Girl.
1018) Chatting with Mom over my dinner break. Thankful for her and for our relationship.
1019) Having the courage to admit failure and the strength to genuinely apologize.
1020) Being able to trust friends to forgive and grant you grace.
1021) An evening with Chinwe. I love that girl dearly. I'm gonna miss our dinner nights.
1022) Reminders of WHO God is - trusting him to hold those I care about gently and decisively.
1023) Mailing gifts.
1024) Being recognized by the Hallmark ladies because I've mailed so many gifts this week. :-)
1025) Crossing off nearly everything on my list.
1026) Serving a jealous God who won't tolerate idols - what he commands is not only for his glory but also for my greatest joy. Amazing.
1027) Extra time in the morning to spend in the Word before work. Changes my whole day.
1028) Emails from Laurel. I love that girl. I also love living in the 21st century where I can "talk" to her from half a world away.
1029) Competent orientees.
1030) Daddy sending me an email asking what he can work on at my house while he is here this weekend. Love him. Love the ways he loves us.
1031) Having my patient try to set me up with her son. Awkward, but flattering.
1032) Finishing a four-day work week.
1033) Spicy chili.
1034) Independent orientees.
1035) Mom waiting up for me when I got home.
1036) Good morning hugs from my parents.
1037) The blessing of extended family.
1038) The weight of a baby in my lap.
1039) Baby giggles. Can never. get. enough.
1040) Laying against my mom watching Law & Order. One of my favorite spots in the world.
1041) Breakfast at Cheap Charlie's with my parents and my dear roommie. Love.
1042) Sitting at the kitchen table with Dad working on my watch together.
1043) Daddy fixing stuff around my house for me. Love the way he serves his girls.
1044) A quiet afternoon in the Word - time to just sit and soak up Truth. What a blessing.
1045) Curling up for a movie with my roommie.
1046) Walks with friends on a beautiful summer day.
1047) Dinner with my roommie - love my precious time with her.
1048) Honest conversations.
1049) Serving a God who does not change even when our circumstances do.
1050) Feeling grounded & stable.
1052) Real conversations about difficult things. Friends who trust me with some of their deepest heartaches. Being able to offer words of encouragement.
1053) Sitting in an individual assignment with a sweet Jewish family - seeing the loving and sweetfully respectful ways the generations interacted.
1054) Playing with a one year old. Making her giggle.
1055) The extremely helpful vet techs at Assisi Drive Animal Hospital.
1056) Seeing my freezer full of Mom's homemade strawberry jam. So yummy. So generous.
1057) Hugs from Pam after a massage. So sweet.
1058) Knowing that God hears our prayers and sees our tears (Isaiah 38:5).
1059) Texts from friends that show evidence of this - praising him for the beginning of answered prayer and the restoration of hope in the life of a dear friend.
1060) The beauty of Chinwe's photography - being reminded to try to see things from a different perspective as I was stunned by the beauty of a simple rose.
1061) Getting to the shuttle lot a half hour early and having a sweet time of prayer, listening to the birds while the wind blew gently through my open windows.
1062) Seeing my elderly patient and his wife napping together in his bed, holding hands.
1063) Funny patients who say things like "Breakfast tasted like someone ate it before I did."
1064) Chatting with Chinwe before bed. Good to see her after a full week of work.
1065) Josh Garrel's music. Finally listened to some of the lyrics - "I'm holding on to hope that one day this could turn out right." Amen and amen.
1066) Fried plantains in the morning. Yummy!
1067) The giggle of a 10-month-old. Pure delight.
1068) Large, brilliantly bright brown eyes. Such a beautiful baby!
1069) Asking just the right question to get a stranger to open up about the complicated story of God's challenges and faithfulness in her life. So encouraging to hear another example of how he works.
1070) The opportunity to hang out with some floor nurses outside of work.
1071) The amazing organ prelude before church at CEFC this morning. Causes my heart to rejoice in such a unique way!
1072) Listening to three generations read Scripture to the church. So cool to physically see that kind of legacy.
1073) The grandma's voice - thick with wisdom yet soft with a gentle love.
1074) The little girl's voice - pure, honest, innocent.
1075) Taking time to read. Loving Frederick Buechner's "Son of Laughter." Such delightfully beautiful writing.

T5 Most Detested Hospital Smells

2011-08-17T20:27:00.004-05:00

It has been a while since I made a list. And I have been thinking about my friend Laurel a lot. So here is a list of 5 reasons to celebrate not having a sense of smell.

My T5 Most Detested Hospital Smells

5) Yeasty skin folds (I mostly hate this smell because it "sticks" to you....you can still smell it on your scrubs, in your hair or in your nasal passage long after you've left the hospital)
4) Urinary tract infections (also a "sticky" smell)
3) Tube feeding formula
2) TPN/CPN* (liquid nutrition that goes into the vein)
1) The stool from someone with a GI bleed. (The only smell that has never failed to make me gag. Every. Single. Time.)

What smells do you hate at your job?

*Nurses, does anyone else absolutely hate the smell of TPN? Just curious. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is that bothers me so much (maybe it smells too sweet? or artificial?), but it seriously is my least favorite smell other than GI bleed stool. Turns my stomach just to stand by the bag in the room. Blech.

Thankful Thursday: July (part 1)

2011-08-11T12:44:00.002-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

942) Watching Grandpa pet Penny - he nearly rubs her raw in one spot. :-)
943) Hugs from Grandpa.
944) Sweet conversation with Linda Day in the hot tub at the hotel. I know some incredible, insightful, honest, wise people.
945) Celebrating Em as she prepares for her last week as a Lundberg!
946) Hugs from Warren! So good to see him again.
947) BEAUTIFUL North Shore hiking!! How have I never been up here?!?!?
948) Catching up with Guy and Cassie. I really enjoy that couple.
949) Picnic lunch on Palisade Head.
950) Meaningful conversations around a beautiful campfire on the shore of Lake Superior. What a blessing.
951) Malbec-soaked roasted marshmallows. Brilliant. :-)
952) A drink of water after hours of waterless hiking on a hot day. Do I thirst for the Word like that???
953) Julie's reaction to jumping into Lake Superior. SO funny.
954) Kayaking with Penny on Lake Superior. So fun.
955) Good conversation with Megan on the ride into Duluth - so much honesty and vulnerability. I love listening to people open up.
956) Skirts.
957) More meaningful campfire conversations.
958) Friends who pray together.
959) Friends who care deeply about helping me think through different situations - who offer wise advice, give good feedback, offer encouragement and share their own stories.
960) Long, strong bedtime hugs from Kyle and Warren.
961) More great car conversation with Megan. What a blessing to get to know her better this weekend.
962) Time to chat with Chinwe - thankful for her honesty.
963) An opportunity to have a very difficult conversation with a friend. Trusting my words are in the Lord's hands.
964) Time alone after a weekend full of people.
965) My own bed.
966) Lindsay RUNNING across the lawn at DQ to greet me. :-D
967) A long, strong hug from Lindsay Lou. So good to have her in my arms again!
968) Asking for wisdom in a situation and feeling like maybe I'm just starting to get a little bit.
969) Sitting at DQ with Rach, Linds and Chinwe, forgetting for just a while that anything has changed (or will change).
970) Watching Emily get married - so happy for her.
971) Personally attending a laid-back bride - so easy/fun/enjoyable!
972) Watching Guy work - seeing how much he enjoys what he does.
973) The chance to catch up with all kinds of camp people - thankful for the many ways that place has enriched my life.
974) Hearing Em say how fun the day was for her.
975) Seeing Em look stunningly beautiful.
976) The powerful waterfalls in Temperance River!
977) Coho Cafe - great find in Tofte!
978) Running into two people I know while wandering around the North Shore. Always fun.
979) Physically driving away from all of the noise & busyness of life. So looking forward to a week in the BWCA!
980) Four lovely ladies to spend the week with.
981) Falling asleep in my hammock while listening to the croaking frogs and soulful loons join the leaves in their gentle windsong.
982) The gentle, repetitive sound of lapping canoe paddles.
983) The accomplished, tired feeling of having finished a difficult portage.
984) The first glimpse of water through the trees as you round the last bend of a long portage.
985) The grace and majesty of birds of prey.
986) Putting warm, dry socks on cold, wet feet.
987) Finding a BEAUTIFUL campsite. So glad we get to stay here two nights!!
988) Waking up and watching the sun slowly brighten the sky as I lay in my hammock.
989) Another day in the Boundary Waters with four beautiful women!
990) Sitting on a rock watching the sun set while listening to Jill read Scripture.
991) Lazy days in the wilderness with nothing to do but eat when you get hungry, sleep when you get tired and skinny dip when you get hot.
992) God's beauty and creativity displayed in nature.
993) Afternoon naps. In the hammock. In the Boundary Waters.
994) Back rubs from Linds. Purely delightful.
995) Snuggling with Linds and Jill while watching the sunset.
996) Good talks with Jill in the canoe. I love that girl.
997) Friends who pull extra weight at camp when I'm not feeling well.
998) Seeing an empty campsite after 8 hours of paddling and portaging.
999) Bugspray!
1000) Hugs from Lindsay Lou
1001) Having 1000 things to be thankful for.
1002) Long, hot showers after 6 days in the wilderness.
1003) Meaningful car ride convos about what it means to "be the church," what small group/Bible studies should look like and what the future may hold.
1004) Sitting in a hot tub with the girls, drinking wine after a week of physically demanding work.
1005) My bed.

Hanging My Big Girl Pants Out to Dry

2011-08-10T23:18:00.004-05:00

In the past seven days, I have:

Worked 20 hours of overtime
Refinanced my house
Made daily phone calls with multiple office visits to get things set up for my dog to do a trial on a prescription diet (she's allergic to something and she is miserably itchy....trying to figure out how to make her more comfortable without dropping a boatload of money on a doggie dermatologist.....who even knew there was such a thing?!?!?!)
Renegotiated my cable/internet setup with Charter
Attended a meeting and worked on making a decision about an international trip
Driven a U-HAUL

In other words, I have had my big-girl-pants on for seven straight days. It was time to take them off. So today, I decided to take a break from being an adult and treat myself.

Just how did I treat myself, you ask?

I planned to:

Sleep in until 10:00.
Grab an Almond Mocha (milk chocolate) from Caribou
Get a manicure and luxury pedicure (including a leg mask and hot stone massage)
Get Jimmy John's
Eat it in the park
Lay in the sun with my dog and read
Hang out with a couple of dear friends and talk about life
Grill steaks for dinner with my beloved roommie and spend the evening talking and laughing with her

I did not necessarily count on:

Having an entertaining conversation about Disney princesses with the Hyvee Caribou barista
Getting a call from Hannah that reminded me how funny I think she is and funny she makes me feel (Thanks for laughing at my humor, H. Glad we have the same brain.).
Acquiring a fun new project/party to plan: my sister's 30th birthday (Life Rule #247: Nobody should have to plan their own 30th birthday party.). (Just two nights ago I was looking through my "planning notebook" and reminiscing over advent baskets, scavenger hunt birthday parties, themed birthday presents, etc. I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. doing stuff like that. Now I've got my mind set on doing my sis's bday party. I think it could be epic.)
Having a lovely conversation with my manicurist about her life at a refugee camp in Cambodia, her experience as a 15-year-old immigrant in Rochester in the 80s, the mix of joy and shame she feels over being the new grandmother of her 19-year-old daughter's baby, and the culture/food/weather/fruit/landscape/amenities of Cambodia. It's amazing what you can learn about somebody if you just ask. I have deeply enjoyed getting to know those ladies.
Eating rum cake
Laughing until my stomach hurt
Semi-successfully performing a yoga pose

All in all, a lovely, no-big-girl-pants sort of day.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to bed. I am afraid I must wake up as an adult again in the morning....

Sunday Afternoon: A Story in Fragments.

2011-08-07T12:56:00.002-05:00

Shucked corn. Thought the corn looked like it was moving. Realized I had just grabbed a handful of maggots. Threw it in the trash. Washed my hands. Almost threw up.

Washed my hands again. Took out the trash. Almost threw up. Washed my hands again. Felt like the trash still wasn't "out" far enough.

Almost threw up.

Washed my hands again.

The end.

Thankful Thursday: June

2011-08-04T00:22:00.003-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

836) Feeling healthy. Thinking clearly. Getting pieces of myself back.

837) Being able to leave the comfort and care of a grieving friend in the capable hands of her good God who lovingly cares for her.
838) Listening to the church sing.
839) The sweet experience of long-term friends who have loved you through every season of life.
840) Hearing my grandpa talk about his week and hearing him get choked up as I tell him I love him and he says goodbye.
841) Penny's excited little run to the stairs every morning and the way she crawls the last few feet to me on her belly.
842) Being called an "angel of mercy" by a patient.
843) Getting to practice small talk with patients when I am the Resource Nurse.
844) Relaxing walks with Penny when she follows the whole time right at my heel.
845) Reading through my gratitude list - seeing how faithful God has been to me through some dark months.
846) Convicting warnings from Proverbs regarding the folly of pursuing sin and idols - oh, how he cares for our souls!
847) The delight I find in making snapfish photo books. Working on Linds' birthday present right now - might be my new favorite gift idea!
848) Air conditioning on days when the heat index is over 100.
849) Chocolate zucchini bread.
850) Penny's cute little stretch.
851) Pedicures & manicures.
852) Purging possessions! Got rid of two garbage bags full of clothes and returned $200 worth of purchases. Yay!
853) 6 second hugs from Kristy. :-)
854) Sitting on the couch between two dear women watching So You Think You Can Dance with my dog in my lap. Love.
855) Sunlight at 9pm.
856) Breakfast, tears and prayer with my roommie. Love her.
857) Running into my neighbor on my walk with Penny and "chatting" for 30 minutes.
858) Realizing I like being neighborly and I might actually be good at it.
859) Precepting - realizing how much I know and how efficiently I work.
860) How excited Penny gets when we're training.
861) New mercies every. single. morning.
862) Things Penny teaches me about the kind of mother I might be someday and the encouragement/excitement that stirs up in me.
863)Things Penny teaches me about the kind of mother I might be someday and the time I have now to work on changing some of those things.
864) The joy of childhood - having fun playing with kids on the pediatric floor.
865) The end of 4-day work weeks.
866) Pho Tai with Brennas & friends - lots of good laughter (including Chris' impression of Ron).
867) Relaxing afternoons with my roommie - So You Think You Can Dance, dinner and nice conversation.
868) Random people in the gas station asking how I do my hair because they want to try to make theirs look like mine.
869) Game night at Emily B's - laughing until my stomach hurts and I have a headache.
870) Rhubarb cheesecake.
871) Beautiful imagery set to music used to describe the vast love of God - still not an adequate image, but helps us grasp just a glimpse of his love for us: "Could we with ink the oceans fill/And were the skies of parchment made/Were every stalk on earth a quill/And every man a scribe by trade/To write the love of God above/would drain the ocean dry/Nor could the scroll contain the whole/though stretched from sky to sky."
872) Good convos with Jill in the car as she rode to the cities with me. Love that girl.
873) Trusting that God has been holding my roommie these last two months and trusting that he can and will continue to do so.
874) Sitting with friends/community during church at Bethlehem.
875) Bando, Brenda and kids - love that family. Love how glad they always are to see us. Love how fun they are to be around. Love are great the kids are. Love them.
876) The opportunity to pick up overtime so I can go on trips next year and see people and experience the world.
877) Grateful patients.
878) Being able to speak with confidence on practice issues in the hospital - realizing that after five years I am really beginning to feel like a nurse.
879) Conan's humor (Dartmouth speech).
880) Waking up at 5:15 and realizing it's already light out - beautiful sunrise.
881) Beautiful summer days for long walks by the river with Penny (who gets compliments from every. single. person. we see).
882) Afternoon naps laying in a sun spot on the couch with my dog.
883) Sweet talks with the Bible study girls - what a blessing they are to me!
884) Enjoying days spent almost entirely alone. Feeling refreshed.
885) Laying on the living room rug cuddling with Penny while chatting with Emily on the phone about wedding plans. Fun to hear my dear friend so excited.
886) AMAKA MATCHED!!!!!! Answered prayer! Continuing to trust God's care and timing for that family.
887) Neighborliness - nice chats with Lora, her willingness to help with Penny and small ways I can help her, too.
888) Enjoying my roommate so much that I truly miss her when she's traveling.
889) The beautiful reflection off a full moon shining through a small break in wispy clouds - eerily beautiful.
890) The introvert articles that Laura has been tweeting - seeing strengths in my personality and being reminded that I am not the only one who sees the world this way.

891) Making patients laugh.

892) The things I learn from precepting new orientees - realizing how efficient I have become, how many decisions I can make with confidence, how well I interact with patients & staff, how much I now know instinctively, how much of the big picture I see, etc.

893) Seeing patients that I cared for the previous evening, asking how they're doing and getting the enthusiastic response, "Good, thanks to you!"

894) Ending my shift with a rough man saying, "You did good, kiddo." :-)

895) Nyquil.

896) My first IBM experience! Realizing that I love the physical nature of my job and all of the unique interactions it brings.

897) Casual convos with Chinwe as we roam (what felt like) the bowels of IBM. Man, I'm gonna miss that girl!

898) The joy I find in spending an afternoon in my kitchen making food for my friends.

899) Hearing the chatter of a house full of friends - I know some amazing people and I love them dearly.

900) Having my kitchen completely clean when people leave because my friends are so thoughtful and servant-hearted.

901) The joy I find in listening to someone speak with an African accent for an hour. Lovely and refreshing.

902) Opportunities falling into my lap to see my passions meet - so excited about Kenya.

903) Having the opportunity to deliver a meal to the Crowsers while Caleb is in the hospital. My placement in Rochester and familiar comfort with the hospital setting puts me in a unique situation to be able to encourage people during difficult times.

904) Hannah. Happy birthday, dear sister!

905) Angela. I. love. my. sisters.

906) First Baptist Church in Long Prairie. Love listening to Dave Ruby honor Grandpa - love being in a small community where people know each other's stories and are able to point to God's goodness and faithfulness in one another's lives.

907) Long walks with Penny by open fields on country roads at dusk. I love the country.

908) The dear man that I have the deep privilege of calling Father. Happy Father's Day Daddio!

909) The legacy of faith, hope and love that Grandpa has left for our family.

910) The opportunity to honor Grandpa at camp - seeing how thrilled he was to have the whole family there.

911) Grandpa's sweet tears anytime he tries to tell anyone he loves them.

912) Sweet convo with Teri Anderson after church - feeling like God gave me words of encouragement for her and encouraged me in the process.

913) Extended family - sweet convos with Susan and Faith during the weekend.

914) Jeed - being blessed by her eloquent tribute to Grandpa - seeing her deep love for our family - excited about the potential opportunity to travel to Thailand with her in the future.

915) Hotdogs, wine and pudgie pies around a fire with friends in Oostra's backyard on a cool summer night. LOVE.

916) Long, beautiful, honest conversation with Jules @ Common Root and walking around the park with Penny. Love listening to her process. Love processing with her.

917) Long, beautiful, honest conversation with Linds on the drive home. Love listening to her process. Love processing with her.

918) Long, beautiful, honest conversation with Chinwe over dinner. Love listening to her process. Love processing with her.

919) Being able to trust that God can care for his hurting children better than I ever could.

920) Chatting with Amaka - being able to tell her how genuinely excited I am that she matched.

921) A sweet patient with Parkinson's whose movements reminded me of my sweet grandma. Love her. Miss her.

922) An opportunity to talk to my orientee about missions.

923) My generous, helpful, servant-hearted mother who offers so much of her time, knowledge and energy to help me plan a weekend at the cabin. She's even offering to buy food to feed my friends. So ridiculous. So generous. So loving.

924) Watching my orientee learn things.

925) Re-discovering old poems that help me see how faithful God has been in my life. Oh, how he cares for me!

926) The cabin!!!

927) A FULL cabin - full of friends, laughter, conversation and fellowship.

928) Long conversations tangled in the hammock with Jill.

929) Mom driving my friends around the lake in the pontoon - so fun to cruise around with her.

930) Campfires.

931) Good follow-up conversations with friends who shared things with me months ago - not being afraid to ask tough questions.

932) Standing up for myself in a very difficult situation at work and later having the Nursing Supervisor tell me I did the right thing & that she was glad I knew what to do in the situation.

933) Having confidence that I made the right decision.

934) Penny got her hair cut and she's NOT ugly! Woo hoo!

935) A lazy night with Mom at the cabin.

937) Penny's pink bows - they crack me up every time I see them!

938) Cards with the Karlsgodts.

939) Sunny, lazy cabin days.

940) Picnic and cards on the pontoon. So fun.

941) Terry's humor and his self-satisfied smirks. He makes me laugh.

Honeybears

2011-07-29T13:34:00.004-05:00

My hallucinating patient has spent most of the morning talking to her (imaginary) dog. After rolling her bedside table over to her so she could eat lunch, she got a hold of her stuffed animal (which is a dog) and has proceeded to pet, talk to, and generally "care" for it throughout the afternoon. Apparently it ate a whole hot dog for lunch. Surprising, considering it's small stature.

As I was watching her with curiosity and listening to her side of the conversation (apparently I am not privy to the world of talking toys), she suddenly looked at me and explained that these dogs are called "Honeybears."

Her explanation:"Honeybears look fake but there is actually a real animal inside. Most people would never know."

Sure fooled me.

I never cease to amazed by delirious patients. The mind is such a curious thing. I am not sure I will ever understand how it can cause us to see/think/believe certain things when it's not functioning properly.

Now if you'll excuse me, Honeybear* wants to go for a walk....

*After several hours, I am still not certain whether Honeybear is a "breed" or this dog's specific name. Or both. I think it's both.**

**#gladIdidn'tnamemydog"poodle"***

***I am not convinced this hashtag would ever gain even mild popularity on Twitter, but should I ever create an account (and I doubt I ever will), I am willing to give it a shot.

Thankful Thursday: April

2011-07-28T21:02:00.003-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)
The April list is a little shorter due to a gatitude-list hiatus that began mid-April and lasted until the end of May. I'll pick up in June next week!

786) The healing power of tears - crying with my mom on the one year anniversary of Grandma's death.
787) Talking to Grandpa. I. Love. That. Man.
788) Communicating well with doctors and NPs.
789) Discovering issues with my patients based on my assessments and being right.
790) Having a patient call me into his room just to tell me how much he enjoyed having me as his nurse.
791) Friends gathering for breakfast - I know some amazing people.
792) Feeling like I am truly laughing.
794) Good chat with Linds - being encouraged and well-loved by my friends.
796) Lazy mornings.
797) Snuggling with Howie.
798) The "at home" feel of the Oostras' home.
799) My small group.
800) Entertaining story-telling by This American Life. I love a good story.
801) My Bible study girls.
802) Emily B's outrageously excited reaction when I told her I might be getting a dog.
803) Loving spicy foods at HuHot.
804) The freedom to be honest.
805) Getting excited about learning about poodles.
806) The sun rising in between the buildings in the development. Beautiful.
807) Enjoying talking to people while presenting at the Nurses' Poster Fair and realizing I actually have that skill despite my introversion.
808) Poetry month - I love posting poems on my blog and getting responses.
809) Getting really, really excited about the possibility of getting this little poodle.
810) Asking for name suggestions and realizing how funny my friends are.
811) Waking up JUST in time to get to my meeting!
812) Contributing at work.
813) Relaxing evenings at home with my roommie.
814) Making people laugh.
815) The sweet relief of laying your head on your pillow when you are so tired your eyes are burning.
816)The rising sun sparkling on the bottom of the pool at the DAHLC.
817) Days at work when I can read magazines.
818) The weight of a two year old in my lap.
819) Getting driven back to work by the shuttle driver on her break because I forgot my keys....
821) Jill!! (Birthday girl :-D)
822) Massages.
823) First Bingo game - I love daubing things!!
824) Giving people gifts. Love.
825) Naps.
826) Eight friends driving up to the cities to spend the day together visiting Ian.
827) Laying in a park with my head on Chinwe's back, bouncing as she laughs.
828) Storyhill, live, in concert. Ahhhhh......
829) The comfort and familiarity of Ira Glass' voice. :-)
830) Long bedtime hugs.
832) Talking to my grandpa and hearing how strong his voice sounds.
833) A gentle, understanding hug from Chinwe while feeling withdrawn from a crowd.
834) Taking time to read.
835) Warm enough days for sitting outside.

Z-Type

2011-07-27T00:41:00.003-05:00

Newest discovery: Z-Type

By far the most addicting game I have ever played online.

Stats from my first attempt:

Score: 010509

Accuracy: 95.2%

Cleared: Level 54 (died in level 55)

And if you mute the sound at work, it will sound like you're working really hard!!

How'd you do???

Thankful Thursday: March

2011-07-21T16:15:00.004-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

651) Slow mornings - time to workout, linger over breakfast and spend time in the Word.
652) Napping in the sun.
655) Impressionist comedians. So entertaining! :-)
656) Watching the whales play while I run on the treadmill. Amazing.
657) Beautiful beach day at St. John's.
659) Sitting in the game room with all 16 members of our group engaged in 4 different Rook games. :-)
660) Watching our captain parallel park the ship. Unbelievable.
661) The beauty of pearls.
662) Mudslides.
663) Discovering dirty martinis. It's like drinking an olive. Genius.
664) Finding new jewelry that I love.
665) The sound and darkness of the ocean as observed from our balcony at night.
670) AMAZING ice show. I love watching people perform, especially when they excel at what they do.
672) Getting updates from my dad on how far along he is in the book I recommended to him. :-)
673) Making some good plays in Rook and realizing I am still getting better.
674) A beautiful week of cruising.
676) A gentle kiss on my forearm from my dad as I stretched my arms over his seat on the bus.
677) Having Terry tell me he can't figure out why I can't find a guy who would appreciate me. So sweet.
678) Kyle filling my tires with air and loading my car while I sit in the kitchen and chat with his wife. What a servant.
679) Convos with Jules. What a blessing to know and be known.
680) Coming home to Chinwe - long convos on the couch - laughs over Modern Family - it's good having her as a roommate.
681) The feeling of getting back in the pool after a week away.
682) Time to spend in the Word.
683) The Bible study girls.
684) Gemstones.
685) Good hair days. :-)
686) Affirming words spoken by dear friends - knowing I am loved and accepted.
687) My dear roommate praying Scripture over me.
688) Serving a God who delights in me and the comfort/rest I find in that.
689) Talking to Grandpa on his 92nd birthday, having him read me a list of people who called him and hearing him choke up at the end while telling me he loves me.
690) Bedtime hugs.
691) Having a lovely group of women excited about going to quilt retreat together.
692) Having Alice McMurray and Lisa Abeler both comment separately on how great my friends are.
693) Having my Rochester, cities and LP lives cross, even if just in pieces and bits.
694) Watching Julie and Melissa learn and get excited about quilting.
695) Listening to Sally sing.
697) Being back at the Brennas for a game night - momentarily feeling like they are back in Roch.
698) My sweet Grandpa being excited to walk & swim with me in AZ and hearing him cry when he tells me he loves me.
699) Knowing that even when I feel like I am not loved the way I want to be loved, I am still outrageously blessed in friendships.
700) Even more so, knowing that should all friendships, all family, all earthly love be stripped from me, Christ is still sufficient.
701) Grandpa choking up when he greeted me at the airport.
702) Crying in Denny's as I remembered how sweet it is to hear my grandpa pray.
703) Sweet friends like Kristy - so easy to travel with , so fun to talk to, so pleasant to be around.
704) Seeing Kristy ask Grandpa questions and pursue him in conversation. So sweet.
705) Naps by the pool.
706) Freshly-picked grapefruit, freshly-squeezed orange juice and homemade lemonade.
707) Getting the full-works pedicure courtesy of Faith's generosity.
708) Julie & Kristy going for a walk together while I showered - I love seeing my friends get to know each other.
709) Listening to Kristy & Julie ask my grandpa questions about his life and family. I am friends with some of the dearest women.
710) Grandma Haaland patting my leg and calling me "honey."
712) Enjoying my first meal of corned beef & cabbage.
713) The cool of the evening after a hot day.
714) Good convos with Julie - being able to lay my thoughts bare without fear of rejection and receiving wise & encouraging thoughts in return.
715) Watching a movie (Get Low) and being reminded of the sweetness of not having to work for my redemption.
716) Getting nice pictures with my grandpa.
717) Playing hymns on the piano for Grandpa and Grandma Haaland while they sang along.
718) Listening to Grandma Haaland pray.
719) The gentle shake in Grandma Haaland's voice that is so familiar and dear to me.
720) Skirts.
721) Watching everyone at the yacht races in the pool in Yuma. So fun/funny. :-)
722) Going to a movie in the movie theater. I love the environment.
723) Playing cards with Grandpa.
724) Listening to Grandpa tell jokes.
725) Overhearing my grandpa tell Kristy that when he thinks about me not being married he just thinks about all the men who are missing out on such a good thing. :-) I adore him.
726) Crying with Grandpa as we said goodbye.
727) Faith tearing up as she told us how neat it was to hear us girls laughing last night.
728) Learning all kinds of things about Faith's life on our drive to Phoenix.
729) Good convos with Kristy as we traveled together.
730) Dad getting Mom to the hospital in time to get her heart looked at - knowing she's safe being monitored in the ICU - friends in Roch (Jill) who insist I call no matter what time my plane lands. My mom is doing well and I feel well cared for. I am blessed, indeed.
731) Reminders that in His grace, God takes our holy intentions and makes them fact.
732) The way God speaks through music - being brought to tears by a song.
733) The feeling of tired legs after a hard workout.
734) Massages.
735) Hearty laughs at Bible study.
736) Calming anxious patients.
737) Mom going home from the hospital.
739) Follow-up texts from friends who are praying for my mom.
741) The feeling of a runner's high.
743) Interesting egg crate designs. :-)
744) Poetry.
745) Planning birthday presents! :-)
746) Lavender.
747) Baths.
748) My God never lets go.
749) Swimming 40 laps and deciding I am no longer a "poser." :-)
750) Grace sufficient for the day.
751) The squishyness of new running shoes.
752) The way Kyle treats me like a lady.
753) Howie following me around everywhere. So sweet. :-)
754) Howie curled up on my lap - I love the weight of a dog in my lap!
755) Being Markie's Bezzerwhizzer teammate. So much fun.
756) The joy I find in making dinner for people.
757) The way Howie jumps into your hand when he wants to sit on your lap. SO cute.
758) Sweet little doggie whimpers.
759) Watching the boys (Kyle, Mark & Bjorn) pull their sweatpants up to their nipple line, stick their arms down their pants and start bumping into each other. So. Stinkin. Funny.
760) Game weekend - being blessed with family and like-family who enjoy hanging out with each other.
761) Howie. I. love. that. dog. He makes me smile. :-)
762) Flowers from Jill waiting for me when I got home.
763) My mom's willingness to faithfully act as my on-call cookbook.
770) Rum cake. Specifically Jill's rum cake. :-)
771) Playing facebook Scrabble with my mom.
772) Hannah calling me just to tell me they are opening a palindrome restaurant in the cities. :-)
773) My God is a promise-fulfiller.
776) Getting help.
778) The weight of a big dog in my lap.
779) Long, strong hugs and the freedom to cry.
780) Having an obnoxious number of people to list under the category of "supportive relationships." I am so loved.
781) The feeling I get when I know I have established good rapport with a patient.
783) Being able to calm a patient's anxieties.
784) Winning over "difficult" patients. Love.
785) Having all three of my patients ask if I would be back tomorrow and then express disappointment when I explain I am a float.

Thankful Thursday: February

2011-07-07T23:43:00.004-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

511) Well-written books that are difficult/disturbing to read but good for my soul as they open my eyes to important issues and bring me to tears for the gratitude of the life I have (or, in some cases, do not have, thankfully). (Tom Davis' "Priceless").

512) Lazy mornings with ample time in the Word.

513) Meaningful conversations (and, even more so, friends with whom I am free to have meaningful conversations).

514) A father whose love I have never questioned.

515) Spiritual lessons learned over dinner - a stomach satiated too early due to my pre-dinner snacking and need for immediate gratification - realizing I do the same thing in my spiritual life - take the "lesser" thing now and lose out on the better things that I wouldn't wait for.

516) Bubble baths with relaxing music and a good glass of wine.

517) Five girls sitting around a jacuzzi in their swimsuits drinking wine and soaking weary feet. I love my friends.

518) The opportunity to visit Chichen Itza, one of the New Seven Wonders of the World. Breathtaking.

519) Feeling hot and sweaty in February.

520) Another beautiful day in Mexico.

521) AMAZING red-wine-braised short rib with mushrooms at Tramondo restaurant.

522) AMAZING Norton Malbec wine from Argentina.

523) AMAZING creme brulee.

524) An extravagant God who would choose to bless us even in the details of delighting in the food we eat. So unnecessary. So amazing.

525) Snuggling/laughing/chatting on the bed with Rach and Linds. I love those girls. I am blessed to have them in my life, no matter the distance.

526) Christian fellowship - dear women who spend time in prayer together.

527) Good talks and long cries with Linds. Seems out pattern is one good sobfest every time we're together. :-) Feels good to have someone I can be so honest with.

529) Knowing I have been chosen (by the KING, no less.....amazing!!!).

530) My parents' generosity in letting us come stay in this place - the accommodations are amazing!

531) The relaxing scent of eucalyptus and mint essential oils. Again, such unnecessary detail for such a big God - I am stunned at the delight we find in our senses.

532) Massages.

533) Another beautiful day in Mexico despite the forecasted rain.

534) Long goodbye embrace from the treasured Lindsay Lou.

535) Cards, laughter, creme brulee, Malbec wine, hugs, stories....a lovely end to a lovely week in Mexico!

536) Laughing over This American Life with Chinwe on the plane. What a delightful show.

537) One. Last. Mudslide.

538) Safe travels.

539) Jimmy Johns.

540) Still sad to have left an AMAZING week in Mexico, but it's always nice to get home to a familiar bed.

541) Having my back hold up for my first post-injury workout.

544) My Bible study girls - what a delight to see them again.

545) Praying God would give me words to say and then feeling like he is speaking through me.

546) Freedom to approach the throne in confidence.

547) Extra time in the morning that allowed me a moment to play the piano and sing a few hymns before work.

548) Surrendering my day to the Lord and meaning it.

550) My amazingly generous and hospitable parents.

551) The joy and challenge of writing poetry.

552) Sweet time in prayer.

553) Knowing the system well enough to write an ENR on a patient I've never met.

554) Working on the Hem/Onc/BMT floors and realizing how healthy and blessed I am.

555) Blessing others (like Faith) with a birthday accordion serenade. :-)

556) Long swims where I feel myself getting faster and stronger.

557) Exodus 33-35 - realizing that the very times when I want to hide from God's presence are the times when I need to most earnestly plead for him to be in my midst.

558) Enjoying my poetry. Writing something and realizing I said something exactly how I wanted to say it.

559) Louie Giglio video at SNL - being reminded of how abundantly blessed I am in Christ.

560) Meeting new friends like Jamie. I think I'm gonna like her. :-)

561) Dropping off my poetry at Crossings and feeling that mild anxiety of really wanting something.

562) Visiting Crowsers at the hospital - thrilled that Caleb is doing well and proud of myself for mustering up the energy for a non-awkward visit.

563) My first attempt at BBQ ribs - SUCCESS! So, so yummy.

564) A house full of well-fed company and laughter.

565) Meeting new, interesting people (Misha) - hearing and telling stories.

566) Rocking a 90-minute cycle class. Bring it, Saturday morning!

567) The sound of my mother's laughter.

569) Friendships that can be maintained despite half a world of distance.

570) Coffee shops.

571) Time to write cards. I love writing cards.

572) Surprise friends to go to church with (Ian came and Jill was working at Gillette, so she stopped over).

573) Small group fellowship - the bond we have in Christ even when friendships are new.

574) The soft heart I feel when sitting at BBC - being assured of the truth of this gospel and wanting to more and more of Christ.

575) That Christ died once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous... (1 Peter 3:18)

576) My family - four great reasons to celebrate on Valentine's Day.

577) Long chat with Julie after 2+ weeks of vacay and phone tag. I love listening to her process and I enjoy being in a place where I feel like I can offer godly feedback. I cherish her friendship.

578) Long, spontaneous, funny chats with Chinwe. It's a blessing to have someone to share the insignificant stories with.

579) Fully blooming orange roses (even if I did buy them for myself). Flowers make me happy. :-)

580) High-energy days. I like who I am (especially conversationally) when I have something to give.

581) Patients who approach new cancer diagnoses with humor and strong family support.

582) Running hard, sweating a lot and feeling sore.

583) Casual morning chats with Chinwe when she works from home.

584) Spicy chili.

585) Patterns in the egg crate. :-)

586) Being able to use my dad's lymphoma course to encourage my patient in her cancer diagnosis.

587) Liking who I am when I am in my nurse role.

588) Limerick invitations from Julie. :-)

589) Long swims.

590) Things falling in place for making a chiropractor appointment tomorrow - hoping I can get rid of this pain!

591) Large, full moon rising just over the downtown building. Beautiful.

592) The crazy/amazing things we can do to our bodies - surviving my first chiropractor appointment. :-)

593) Knowing the ups and downs of my emotions are not ins and outs of Christ. My God is constant and faithful.

594) A praying roommate.

595) Loooooooooooooooooong bedtime hugs.

596) Eggs and toast in the morning. What a lovely breakfast routine.

597) Smiles from dying patients.

603) Time serving to get to know my small group.

604) The Oostras.

605) Kyle carrying my bags for me.

606) A wonderfully relaxing snow day with a fabulous roommate.

607) Being forced to rest (by the weather).

608) Fried plantains.

609) Long conversations with a lot of easy laughter.

610) Feeling delighted in a relationship. I am so blessed.

611) Eight hours as the resource nurse with one page.

612) Time to get organized for Chinwe's birthday scavenger hunt and the cruise.

613) The pure and utter joy I find in planning surprises for people.

614) Jimmy John's.

615) 6 days until the cruise!

616) Getting excited about the books I got for the cruise.

617) Watching how hard Chinwe laughed when she saw my accordion-playing-mexican-wrestling-pinata-Happy-Birthday video. :-)

618) Good talk with a friend about mood swings and negative thought patterns - realizing that I can empathize and give decent advice only because I have been there (and in some ways still am there) myself.

619) A lovely dinner celebrating Emily B's new job - an answered prayer and a mark of God's faithfulness in her life.

620) Laughter.

621) Finding my lost phone by my seat in the car - NOT run over and NOT lost forever.

622) Realizing how much a dying patient and a distraught family put the "agony" of a lost phone in perspective.

623) Hearing my mom laugh over how much she delights in the humor of us girls.

624) A scavenger hunt birthday video that turned out WAY creepier (and, therefore, way funnier) than planned.

625) One more day of work before the cruise!

627) Finishing plans for the scavenger hunt. SO EXCITED!

628) Working with the nicest doctor I have ever met.

631) Laughing hysterically over sagging candles in the birthday pancake and blowing out Chinwe's candles for her because they were dripping wax. Epic fail.

632) Secrets. :-)

633) A WONDERFUL scavenger hunt...seeing Chinwe love it....finishing at 7:57 when our dinner reservation was at 8. :-)

634) Realizing how much joy I derive from planning things for people (especially when it's a secret!) and trying to communicate to them that they are known and loved.

635) Chinwe. I love that girl. What a blessing she is to me! And what a joy to celebrate the marking of another year for her. #happybirthdayroomie

636) Prayer conference - feeling like I got my $10 worth after the intro. :-) So encouraging.

637) Naps.

638) A lovely goodbye from Chinwe - feeling missed.

639) Wine and chocolate cake with the Oostras - love that couple.

640) Cruising tomorrow!!!!

641) Kyle being willing to get up at the crack of dawn to take us to the airport. What a guy.

642) On-time planes and no-stress travels (for us, at least...)

643) Sam and Kara making it to the ship - answered prayers for a tailwind - landed 20 minutes early and got to the boat with 5 minutes to spare.

644) My mom's excited exclamation when she saw us at the airport. Oh, how she loves us!

645) Laughing with my sisters.

646) Hammocks.

647) Malbec.

648) Jane singing songs on stage for Battle of the Sexes.

649) Walking up to any counter and getting any food item and not having to pay for it.

650) Sitting on our balcony reading the Word while being gently rocked by the ocean.

2011-07-06T23:01:00.002-05:00

Well, apparently blogging once between each Thursday is a little too difficult for me. I'm just not used to blogging that often. Uffda. But I'll keep trying.

In an effort to blog something in between I've decided to just tell you what is on my mind at this very moment: I'm sitting on my couch beside the precious Lindsay Lou - she's actually here physically beside me. Here with her strong hugs and delightful laughter and sweet joy and articulate thoughts and painted toe nails.

And I couldn't be happier.

Thankful Thursday: January

2011-06-30T11:26:00.003-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

366) The Karlsgodt family. Love them.

367) Sweet, obedient dogs like Nike.

368) Laughing until it hurts.

369) Getting excited about the cruise!!!!

370) Being convicted by a passing comment made during the announcements. I love my church.

372) Singing old hymns. They do my heart good.

373) Catching up with friends (lunch with Josh) and realizing that the strength of the friendship holds up under the weight of time-out-of-contact.

374) Hearing a friend preach the gospel to himself and, incidentally, to you as well.

375) Cleaning and organizing and then feeling clean and organized.

376) The tired, burning feeling of a good lifting workout.

377) Runner's high.

378) Managing a heavy load well - a sign that I am a good nurse.

379) Feeling like I was given just the right words to say/email to encourage a friend.

380) Getting a voicemail from Julie regarding a conversation she had and hearing her exclaim "He hears my prayers! He hears my prayers!" Yes. He truly hears our prayers.

382) Being comfortable enough to make jokes during the Hem/Onc/BMT practice meetings (and having them be funny enough for people to laugh!).

383) A GOOD, LONG diner conversation with Chinwe. Really, really good.

384) The sweet pain of the Spirit's regenerating work - realizing that I don't need to be convinced that other people love me, rather, I need to repent of my idolatry of my own happiness and the approval of others.

385) Getting back in the pool. I love swimming.

386) Sore muscles - evidence of a good workout.

387) A sweet note from Kristy thanking me for the advent basket. It is good for my heart to hear of the good those baskets did in others' lives.

388) Having my schedule switched around so I was free to go to SNL only to find that the topic was "fearing God," a major theme in what I've been learning the past two weeks. Go figure. :-)

389) Taking time to write letters.

391) The joy I find in mailing packages.

392) Peter Mayer's song "Holy Now."

393) Making plans - Chinwe's birthday, triathlons, Mexico, cruise, AZ, quilt....there are some fabulous things happening in 2011!

395) MAIL!! Particularly a BEAUTIFUL calendar sent by Warren full of his pictures. I LOVE it!!!

396) Spinning! First class today and I loved it.

398) Sweet time of prayer over friends with babies in their bellies.

399) Having Pastor John back in the pulpit - the way he communicates assists me in hearing the truth clearly.

400) Watching The Nativity Story - a good reminder/reality check of some of the practical (& difficult) circumstances surrounding Christ's birth.

401) The weight of a baby in my arms.

403) Good chats with Julie and Lindsay plus a Skype date with Laurel tomorrow. I am SO loved and I am so blessed TO love.

404) Hearing Lindsay tear up while expressing how loved she felt from her Christmas gift.

405) Feeling like I know someone well enough to give them good feedback when they make an observation about their life.

406) Long workouts followed by healthy meals - feeling like I am making good decisions.

407) Time to video chat with Laurel before she leaves on Thursday. I love that girl and will miss her dearly.

408) Hearing her say we can video chat again next week. That's not so far away.

409) Being back with the Bible study girls. The fellowship with them is an encouragement to me.

410) Getting excited about planning Chinwe's birthday party - I LOVE surprising people!!!

411) Feeling my body get stronger.

412) Really nice patients.

414) Anticipating God speaking in Job - I think I will get to that part this weekend.

415) A lovely note from my roommie when I got home. What a nice way to end the day.

416) Running into Melissa at the gym and getting a high-five while doing my wall sits. I love encouragement.

418) When you don't think a patient has much personality but then you find a topic of interest and suddenly can't get out of the room. I love seeing people come out of their shell.

420) Laurel. She leaves tomorrow. Man, I'm gonna miss her. What in incredible blessing she is in my life!!

421) Reading Job. Being really excited that God speaks tomorrow.

422) Chinwe's chili & rice.

423) Working on Do6B with Paul - love catching up with him and taking messages to Lindsay. What a sweet man.

425) Messages from Laurel as she travels.

426) Breakfast with Chinwe - being reminded that following Jesus is different than talking about following him or even memorizing what he says about following him.

427) Completing weight lifting workouts that I couldn't finish last week.

428) A weekend away at a beautiful cabin with an amazing group of friends.

429) Sitting in a hot tub in the winter.

430) Opportunities to practice repenting of my idolization of other people, my "need" for them to love me and my own happiness and asking instead for a heart that longs to see God glorified, whatever place that might put me in.

432) Crispy, burnt bacon.

433) Realizing I really enjoy preparing food for others.

434) Days with NOTHING to do except play games, sit in the hot tub and eat.

435) Laughing about going snipe hunting and learning that Kristy was duped into it, too. :-)

436) Making perfect chocolate chip pancakes.

437) Napping in a car.

438) The exhausted feel of a post-3-hour workout.

439) Laughing at Modern Family with my roommie.

440) Laying in bed by 9:30.

441) Bible study - I love those girls and I learn meaningful things from them.

442) A well-timed call from Julie - it was good to hear from her today and our conversation was good for my heart.

443) A good convo with Hannah - I love laughing with her and was thankful for an opportunity to share my heart a little as well.

444) Bought tickets to AZ for Kristy and I!!!! So blessed to have the $ to go and a lovely friend to join me.

445) Grace for people like me.

446) Feeling competent in answering TONS of questions for my patient who was very anxious about his heart surgery tomorrow.

447) Having him thank me at the end of the night and tell me he will never forget me.

448) And having him also tell me he has a hard time believing I'm not married. :-)

449) Seeing a BEAUTIFUL sunrise this morning and being reminded that God's mercies are new every morning - I NEVER exhaust his mercy toward me!

450) Serving a God who SEES us in our trouble and who HEARS us when we pray.

452) Giving out recipes at work. Realizing I am beginning to know a select few by heart.

453) Working with people I sort of know who are fun to talk to.

454) Filling out my Japan Exchange Program application and realizing I have actually done a lot of stuff at work in the past four years.

455) Watching a video from NYE weekend of the Oostras in their footie pajamas and remembering how blessed I am to have that couple in my life.

456) Learning the "swype" technology on my new phone and accidentally texting Ang things like "Too cold to snowshoe. Kabobs."

457) Having the courage to say hard things.

458) Having friends who receive hard conversations well.

460) Staying up until 4am because the people I am hanging out with are simply too fun to convince myself to go to bed.

461) Hanging out with the sisters, Hansons & Oostras.

462) Strawberry rum slush. YUM!

463) Board games.

464) Youtube surfing.

465) Markie's laugh/giggle. Seriously can't get enough.

466) Kyle asking what I want in my pancake, me replying "chocolate chips and love" and then him buying sweetheart candies at the store. Hilarious.

467) He also bought flowers for Ang. So sweet.

468) Football, family, food. Fun!

469) Sweet hymns that minister to a tired heart.

470) New small group. I am struck anew by the realization that there is a bond that unites believers beyond the typical relationship.

480) Setting my alarm back to a later time.

483) Repotting plants - supporting life - finding pots that I LOVE.

484) Randomly running across a wrought iron table that I LOVE and is exactly what I have been passively looking for.

485) The look of Aden growing out of his awesome new pot, draped tenderly over my wine rack on my beautiful new piece of wrought iron furniture.

488) Patients telling me I am very kind and that they appreciate my care.

489) Funny old men.

490) Thinking ahead and taking everything I need into an isolation room so I don't have to ungown.

492) Naming my plants.

493) Perfectly balanced work days - busy enough to keep my interested, slow enough to not be stressful.

496) The Brennas - I love that couple.

497) The feeling of having laughed a lot over the course of a day.

498) A fun day at a wedding with friends.

499) Doctor-sisters who can call in flexaril prescriptions on a Saturday evening.

500) Friends who are so sweet they offer to get me a plate from the buffet so I don't have to stand with my sore back (I didn't accept the offer, but sweet nonetheless!).

501) Sunshine! Warm weather! Green grass! Palm trees! Mexico!!

502) Three lovely ladies to spend the week with and one more coming tomorrow. I am so blessed to have these women in my life!

503) My mom texting me that she prayed for me every time she woke up during the night.

504) An email from a friend - knowing he understood the "correction" I sent him in my last email - feeling free to be the church to each other - rebuking in love.

505) Answered prayer - making it through a long day of traveling without too much pain in my back.

506) How relaxing I find it to lay in the sunshine and read books.

507) Chicken pad thai & a good cab at Havana Moon with live Cuban music in the background. Lovely.

508) Asking questions

509) and getting long answers.

510) Long hugs from Linds. I miss that girl.

Thankful Thursday: December

2011-06-23T01:36:00.003-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

221) Hearing my mom laugh.
222) Making my mom laugh.
223) Sipping cocoa in sweats by the light of the Christmas tree.
224) The smell of fried plantains as I walk into the house.
230) Remembering what music does to my soul. Being moved to tears. Feeling my breath catch. Hearing something so beautiful it makes me wonder how heaven could possibly sound more beautiful.
232) Laughing with my sisters from across the room because we think so much alike.
233) Hearing Ang say the advent basket is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for her.

234) The humor, wit and profundity of N.D. Wilson's book.
235) Camp.
237) Making Emily a paper chain for her wedding countdown and learning that gift-giving may be one of my higher expressive love languages.
238) Seeing Jill's beautiful quilt come together perfectly.
239) Homemade oatmeal cream pies.
240) Beautiful, undisturbed piles of snow covering the earth and announcing the arrival of winter.

241) Getting a text from Rachel saying how loved she felt from the paper chain, complete with a picture of a chain-draped Loki.
242) Seeing Emily's face when I delivered her paper chain. :-)
244) Communion at Bethlehem.
245) Time to chat with Chinwe after a weekend away.
247) Working with Kristy Koza.
248) Three pieces of real mail waiting for me when I got home.
249) A BEAUTIFUL card from Lindsay.
250) Fun, surprising, meaningful conversations with co-workers.
252) Finding eggs arranged in a pattern in the crate and not wanting to eat any in an attempt to preserve the beauty. :-)
256) The joy of serving others by cooking them food.
257) The coos and grunts of a 5lb infant asleep in my arms.

258) Having cousin Eric tell me I am one of the best listeners that he knows and that he values my opinion - what a thoughtful & meaningful comment from him.

260) BELLY LAUGHING at Seinfeld as George & Kramer discuss how humanity can be smart enough to get to the moon and yet still be so stupid.
262) A patient who was a storyteller with a dry sense of humor.
263) Hearing him tell a family member "Find the humor in every situation and if there isn't any, make something up."
264) People who simply enjoy life.
266) Friends who are willing to drive you back to your house in a snowstorm so you can pick up the quilt you wanted to bind.
267) The weight of a dog in my lap, curled up watching a movie with me.

268) Christmas movies!

270) Impromptu sleepovers.
271) Wind-cut snowdrifts.
272) People who ask good questions, especially good faith questions.
273) Curling up next to the fireplace with a good book and enjoying the Christmas tree lights and the sun setting over the snowy horizon.
274) Getting the fireplace pilot light lit all by myself and then texting Dad "I did it!" only to have him reply, "I knew you could. " :-)
275) The Holy Spirit working on my heart to change my perspective on missing the show at the Guthrie and preventing me from ruining (by my poor attitude) what turned out to be a perfectly good day.
277) The best Dad in the world. #happybirthdaydaddio
278) Using hashtags in my gratitude list. :-)
279) Feeling like my patients know that I care for their situation (like my 52 year old stroke patient with expressive aphasia. How frustrating).

280) The feeling of changing out of my uniform and into sweats.

281) Good writers.
283) Christmas shopping. I. Love. Giving. Gifts.
284) Being known at the scrap booking store as "The Paper Chain Lady." :-)
285) Another great dinner conversation with Chinwe. Definitely a weekly highlight.
287) Wrapping presents - being financially blessed in such a way that I can give the gifts I want to give.
288) Writing Christmas letters to Laurel and Linds. I love writing letters.
289) Reading in a coffee shop. It's been too long.
291) Icicles that look like mini-frozen waterfalls coming off of the Wisconsin bluffs.
292) Clear winter skies that make for beautiful days driving to the Dells for lunch.
293) AAA (Rach locked her keys in her car. AAA is so great).
294) Car therapy. I love a good drive.
295) Purple and pink sunsets with a pink beam of light shooting up from the horizon.

296) Getting a massage

297) and a haircut

298) on the same day.

299) Time to read.

301) Christmas services at Bethlehem - choir, orchestra, great sermon. Lovely morning.

302) Having Laurel in church with me.
303) Three long embraces with Laurel - before church, after church and saying goodbye at the airport.
304) Lunch with the Stoners. Haven't seen them since the wedding. I care for that family deeply.
306) Seeing pieces of myself hanging/lying all over the Oostras' apartment.
308) Laurel saying "You love people so well. If I ever get a chance to talk about you in front of a lot of people, I will have a lot to say." :-) It's nice to have friends who see that part of me.
309) Being reminded in church that the pagan astrologers worshipped while the educated religious leaders knew the answer but stayed put (Mt 2:1-12). Biblical training does not guarantee a heart inclined to worship. I needed to be reminded of that. I long for more than knowledge. I want to be a worshipper.
310) A nice long chat with Chinwe when I got home. I love having a roommate.
313) Friends who call me when they're down "just to hear [my] voice on [my] voicemail."
314) A patient's family member who is an RN and a house supervisor at another facility being glad I am her dad's nurse and giving me a pat on the back and a "thank you" on her way out of the hospital.
315) Feeling competent at work.

316) Rides to my car from Kristy after work.

318) Lasix.

320) Spicy chili.
324) Tie-ing with Hannah 10 times in a row playing Paper, Rock, Scissors.
325) Laughing until it hurts.
326) Sitting around the table with Kyle, Julie, and Ang, scheming up things like burning our grievances over a candle in a homemade snowcave on NYE.

328) Hugs from Grandpa.

329) Pecan pie.
330) Home.
332) The Twelve Days of Christmas tradition...as much as I hate it, I kind of love it, too.
333) Playing games with the sisters and cousins.
334) Back seat, middle, feet on the hump.
335) Watching my extended family try to push Jon's suburban out of the ditch.
336) My amazingly generous parents.
337) Lazy Christmas mornings.
338) Knowing that everyone finally knows about the advent baskets. :-)
339) Sitting on the carpetball table, having a lovely phone conversation with Chinwe.
341) Crying my way through church with Mom and Grandpa. Missing Grandma on their anniversary.
342) Watching Teri Anderson painstakingly raise her hands to sing "here in our weakness you'll find us bowing before your throne."
343) Listening to DJ Ruby's baptismal testimony.
344) Lunch with Mom & Dad, Har & Sal, Greg & Linda, Grandpa, Harris & Alice. I was the token child. What a hoot.
345) Riding home with Oostras. Absolutely love them.
347) Singing nursery rhymes with a 41 year old developmentally disabled woman who is sweet. as. can. be.
348) Watching her parents treat her with sweetness and overwhelming love.
349) Having her rub my arm while we sang.
350) Breakfast with Chris and Rach. Having them take time to meet with me individually. Love them.
354) Emails from Julie that ask all the right questions and the freedom I feel to respond honestly.
355) Finding out the Jill cried the whole first week of the advent basket because she felt so blessed by it.
356) Kyle & Julie.
358) Chatting with Jules while grocery shopping at Target. Felt like a small glimpse of what we would do together if we lived near each other.
359) Feeling my competitiveness kick in as I try to master Wii canoeing.
360) Kyle & Julie exchanging "knowing" glances when I say I want to try to beat it just a couple more times - knowing that they know me, are endeared to me and love me.
361) My Hanson, Brandes & Oostra "siblings" who want to hang out together and spend NYE playing games.
363) Dear friends who are willing to drive all the way up to Blaine in crappy weather so I can pick up a jacket.
364) Friends with whom you can have non-awkward conversations about awkward topics.
365) Hannah's humor. Today's version: A list of grievances for 2010 which included 12 men in the huddle and an instance of order regret.

Untitled

2011-06-21T13:04:00.007-05:00

I was cleaning out one of my notebooks at work today and I found a poem that I wrote in Nigeria last fall. I completely forgot about it. I usually rework my poems about 12 times and even then, most of them never meet the public eye. This is a first draft written in about 15 minutes and then lost in the dark abyss that I call my backpack. But I'm just gonna go with it. :-)

I am trying to break up the Thankful Thursday posts with at least one post in between. That puts me at two regular posts per week....we'll see how that goes!!!

Well, for this week.... a poem....

I.
They took the light.
No warning. No reason.
One moment we have light
and plans and vision
and then - darkness.
Suddenly, everything becomes difficult.
Seeing, yes, but also cooking, eating
and not sweating.
Plans are altered
restlessness invades
and the night crawlers come out of hiding.
Giant fighting ants and a roach that could fill my palm.

I draw my knees into myself
and hope they don't notice me.
And so I sit. And sweat.
Waiting for the light.

And yet the darkness holds surprises -
dare I say joys -
and these will be my clearest memories.
Conversation. Friendship. Laughter, even.
Not impossible in the light
and yet the darkness somehow seems necessary.

Grateful for the darkness, yet longing for the light-
for vision and and plans and entertainment.
They will bring back the light.
We will wait.

II.
He took the light.
No warning. No reason.
One moment I had light
and plans and vision
and then - darkness.
Suddenly, everything became difficult.
Seeing, yes, but also thinking, feeling,
and living.
Plans were altered
restlessness invaded
and fear came out of hiding.
Giant plaguing doubts and an isolation that could fill my heart.

I drew everything into myself
and hoped they wouldn't notice me.
And so I sat. And cried.
Waiting for the light.

And yet the darkness holds lessons -
dare I say truths -
and these will be my clearest memories.
Humility. Repentance. Friendship, even.
Not impossible in the light
and yet the darkness somehow seems necessary.

Grateful for the darkness, yet longing for the light-
for vision and plans and life.
Christ Jesus, bring back the light.
I will wait.

It's amazing to me to think about what a different place I am in now than when I wrote this. Praise God for his faithfulness. As I type this, I am praying for several of you who are waiting for him to bring back your light. May he hold you gently in his constant, faithful hands while you wait....

"But as for me, I will look to the Lord;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me."
-Micah 7:7

Thankful Thursday: November

2011-06-16T00:28:00.004-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

84) Living in a country where I can vote for my leaders.

85) A warm-in-the-sun-yet-cool autumn day - perfect for Bible study time outside under my favorite Vikings blanket.
86) Date night with my roommie - sweet time to talk about life and pray together. Love.
87) Feeling overwhelmed with love for my Bible study girls - gaining great biblical insights from them & loving sharing life together.
88) Talking about something over dinner with Chinwe and then having Rachel Nagel pray something similar in her opening Bible study prayer and feeling God's presence/leading/consistency in my life because of it.
89) Bursting out in full-fledged belly laughter in the middle of a conversation, looking at Chinwe laughing and knowing we are thinking the same thing.
92) Seeing patients & families that I worked with on previous days, remembering their names and having good follow-up conversations.

95) The feeling of having written a good story and written it well.

97) Rides to my car from Beth & opportunities to chat with her about where God is leading her.

100) An email from my aunt Faith telling me how much she loves me and what joy and laughter I bring into her life (in response to a blog post).

101) The smell of freshly baked cookies from the oven. Somehow they smell even better when baked for someone else.
102) Seeing the advent baskets come together and getting excited about it not only being fun but being spiritually encouraging, too.
104) Campfires on brisk November nights.
106) Sabbath time away from the "noise" to be in the Word and fellowship.
107) Getting an email from Warren in which he called me an "uncommon friend" - quite possibly one of the most meaningful friendship compliments I have ever been given.
108) Feeling obedient to an opportunity to bless someone financially.
109) Feeling comfortable stepping in to an informal leadership role and getting a small glimpse into how God has uniquely gifted me and ways he uses me.
110) Falling back an hour. Love.
111) Pearls.
112) Babies that fit perfectly in the crook of my arm.
113) Sitting with Laurel at communion after being reminded of how Christ calls us individually but also calls "us" as a community - such a tender moment for us.
115) The way Kyle treats me with such respect and makes me feel well cared for.
116) The opportunity to pick up overtime at work so I can pay for the Christmas presents I am really excited to give.
120) Making lasagna after a 16 hour day at work and being reminded that cooking is not as difficult as I make it out to be.

121) Waking up from a dream in the middle of the night laughing and not being able to fall back asleep because I can't. stop. laughing.

122) Allowing myself to sleep in after working really hard yesterday.

123) Iced almond mochas from Caribou.
124) 60 degree November days.
125) Having my lasagna turn out not-so-well and deciding that is okay even if I am serving it to company.
126) Calling Chris to play him his birthday accordion serenade and having a lovely conversation.
127) Sweet potato fries.
128) Having Linds call to pick my brain about job stuff (since I am 1. a nurse 2. who knows her well) and feeling like I had worthwhile feedback for her.
129) Discovering that Jill and I will be really good vacation buddies.
130) Planning a winter getaway to Mexico and realizing it is only happening because I have been blessed with the friends, money and time to do so.
131) Veterans who have served our country and given their lives (or pieces of their lives) for my freedom.
132) Details working out with semi-stressful vacation planning.
133) My patient mother who loves me so dearly and handles me so well.
136) The feeling I get when the timing of my day falls together perfectly - logistics mesh and I get everywhere on time.

137) Truffles.

138) Roadtrips with my sisters.
139) My mom being so excited to see us that she is waiting by the door of the hotel room.

140) The way my mom gets so excited to see us and how anxious she is to "visit."

141) Museums. I love learning. The U-505 exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry was amazing.

142) All-you-can eat bacon at the Embassy Suites breakfast. :-)
143) A day in Chicago with the whole family.
145) Hearing the joy in Emily's voice after her engagement.
146) Hearing Dad say he cares a lot more about being with his girls than going to football games.

147) Having Dad completely treat us to a weekend in Chicago and feeling well cared for.

148) Beautiful weather for outdoor football in November.

149) Hearing someone marvel at the fact that we came to the game as a family and realizing how uniquely blessed I am.
151) Coming home to find the fridge stuffed with delicious food.
152) Taking some of said food to work with me for a delightful dinner.
156) Starting my day with breakfast and prayer with my roommie.
158) Getting my work email down to 5 emails.
159) Seeing my 83 year old, confused patient come out of brain surgery and still "mother" her adult children.
162) Having a patient's family *hoping* I get to stay with them all 12 hours and then being genuinely disappointed when I don't.
163) Building good rapport with a young girl who is an individual assignment for psych reasons.
164) Having my behaviorally challenging individual assignment patient ask if I will be her nurse again the following day.
166) Ohmygosh I am so excited about these advent baskets I can hardly stand it!!!!!!!!
167) Waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep because I am so excited about my day.
168) Getting invited over to Jill and Kristy's for a steak and sweet potato dinner.
169) Pumpkin spice white chocolate mocha.
170) FINALLY getting to meet Amaka!!! I think I am really going to like her.

171) Sleeping in.

172) The sight of beautiful advent baskets, all wrapped and organized.

173) Dinner at Chesters with girls I love.

174) Have I mentioned lately how excited I am about these advent baskets?

176) Lavender baths and relaxing music.
180) Game night with the sisters, Hansons, Oostras and Abbie - laughing, laughing, laughing and laughing.
189) Jimmy John's. #5, baby!
191) Lazy mornings when I am still sitting in bed in my pajamas at noon.
192) Productive days off when I feel like I got a lot of stuff done despite still being in my bed in my pajamas at noon.
194) The joy I find in my beautiful Christmas tree.
195) Dinner date/prayer night with my roommie. What a blessing.
196) Friends who bring me Thanksgiving dinner when I am working at the hospital.
197) Green bean casserole.
198) Mom ALWAYS crying when I talk to her on holidays when I can't make it home. I am so dearly loved.
200) Christmas music.
202) Curling up with a good book, hot cocoa and burning vanilla-scented oil while reading by the light of the Christmas tree (and a headlamp).
203) A job that I love going to 98% of the time (even if today was in the 2%).
205) The beauty of color and the art of theater displayed in the movie Hero.
206) Having a family invite me into their home for Thanksgiving dinner when I can't be home with my own. #relationallyblessed.
207) Snuggling with Loki and being told he has a very short list of "friends."
208) Laughter. Lots and lots of laughter.
209) Long hugs from old friends.
210) Coming to terms with Chinwe having found out about the advent baskets and realizing things can still be fun even if they don't play out exactly how I intended or expected.
211) Lazy, alarm-less morning complete with pajamas and chocolate chip pancakes.
212) Little peanut 5-lb premies who are just so cute and fragile. So glad baby Jadon is doing well and was born without any serious premie complications.
213) Successful advent basket deliveries. :-)
214) Long, laugh-filled conversations with my mom.
215) Long convo with Linds reminding me how well she knows me, how well we relate and how well our friendship is surviving the distance. LOVE her.
216) Excitement headaches.
217) The joy of a paper-chain countdown.
218) Getting "found out" as the advent-basket-giver by Hannah and laughing SO HARD as I try to deny it because she knows me so well and I simply can not lie to her.
219) The feeling of having a really big, fun secret.
220) Listening to Julie tell me about how excited she is about her mystery basket.

Thankful Thursday: October

2011-06-09T07:27:00.002-05:00

(For an explanation of Thankful Thursday, go here.)

1) Loving a book so much that I don't even mind having to start it over, re-reading the first 70 pages for the third time.

5) Shopping for advent basket gifts and getting really excited about blessing my family and friends.
8) Looking through pictures from our Milwaukee weekend and remembering how great it was. Could not have had more fun. Could not have felt more blessed.
9) Meeting a mom who has adopted dozens of medically complicated foster children and realizing I want to be like her.
16) Breakfast and prayer with my roommie.
18) Sneaking off the floor mid-evening to have a fabulously funny phone call with the Oostras.
21) Road tripping with the sisters and laughing myself to tears.
22) Dad going out of his way to tell me - AGAIN - how beautiful he thought I looked tonight.
23) Listening to Grandma Haaland talk about how blessed she feels by everyone at Bjorn and Aly's rehearsal dinner.
24) Hugs from the Hanson boys, the sisters-in-law, Har & Sal, Grandma Lois, Linda, the Oostras, Norm & Trish and all kinds of other people whom I love.
25) Tearful conversations with Jules in the middle of a restaurant reception room because we know each other so well and both feel so blessed even as we grieve different circumstances in our lives.
27) Papa Harley crying his way through his speech.
29) Having the opportunity to publicly read Scripture over my brother and new sister-in-law as they get married.
30) Seeing Marky wipe tears off his chin three times as they prayed over Bjorn and Aly. I love those boys.
31) Looking around at the wedding and feeling so, so, so overwhelmed by the love I have for these people.
32) Feeling like I am "home" not because of where I am but because of who I am with.
35) Feeling "thought of" when Hannah grabbed breakfast for me because I was still sleeping.
36) Seeing my dad get excited about football.
40) An hour alone after a people-filled weekend.
41) Starting the day with hugs from both parents.
46) Starting my shift with my HIV patient's life partner being very testy & defensive - making me think he is used to being judged very quickly - and ending the shift with him asking if I would be back tomorrow.
50) Time with dear friends who are in town for a night; tears with Rachel in the car; feeling known and safe; being entertained by Chris' randomness.
52) Realizing that every opportunity for Christian fellowship is a gift of God's grace, NOT something I am entitled to.
53) Realizing this "season of loss" is actually a shattering of my idealistic "wish dreams" for what Christian fellowship looks like in my life and being okay with asking God to reveal himself in the shattered pieces.
54) Having a roommate who I can talk to and pray with. And one who laughs.
55) Strong bedtime hugs.
59) Writing letters that I am excited to send.
61) Seeing Chinwe in the morning before work.
62) Starting the day with a hug.
69) Gopher football with my dad - beautiful night, beautiful stadium. Brutal game.
70) Feeling my dad pursue me in conversation over dinner as he asked me about Nigeria, listened attentively and responded.
71) Getting a parting hug and kiss from my dad, getting my stuff out of his trunk and then getting another hug and kiss just for good measure. :-)
72) The joy of giving someone a gift that they love.
75) Feeling well cared for by Kyle.
76) Having breakfast with the Magnos and having them know me well enough and love me well enough to validate some of how I feel about small groups.
77) Worship at Bethlehem.
81) Waking up to already-made coffee left for me by my roommie.
82) Cute little boys (a patient) who love to play and love being little boys.
83) The soft comfort of my bed.

Thankful Thursday: A Primer

2011-06-08T00:51:00.001-05:00

I have decided to start a new series on my blog. I am going to call it "Thankful Thursday."

As I have been reading through the historical books of the Old Testament, I have been struck by God's repeated command to Israel to remember. As they wandered through the wilderness, grumbling and complaining about being rescued from Egypt (you know, that glorious land of slavery where life was so good...ahem, insert sarcasm here, ahem....), God almost exclusively responds with the command for them to remember...remember how God brought you out of slavery...remember the miracles you have seen God perform...remember the ways he has provided for you in the wilderness....when you feel like grumbling and complaining, remember.

So, last October, I started making a list to help me remember. I call it my gratitude list.

This past fall, I became more and more aware of how discontent, dissatisfied and just generally unhappy I was feeling. So I started making a list of things I was thankful for. I began writing down five things I am thankful for from the day...moments when I saw God's hand in my life, ways that I feel blessed by him, meaningful interactions I had or simply things that made me smile - anything that can be considered a gift from the abundant Giver. (I got the idea from following the blog of my dear friend Rachel who got the idea from Ann Voskamp who has nowwritten a book about cultivating a spirit of gratitude....at least I think that's what the book is about....I haven't read it...).

It has become a very, very meaningful spiritual discipline for me.

I tweaked a quote from Ann Voskamp and wrote it as a prologue to myself in my gratitude journal. It reads, "In giving thanks for the life I already have, may I find the life I've always wanted." As I read back through my gratitude list earlier this week, I found the life I have been wanting. And it's my life. Right now.

I made an intentional decision early on not to share my list publicly. I was mostly concerned that thinking about sharing it with others would influence what I wrote. I am weak like that. But as I read through my list earlier this week, rejoicing over the mercy and grace God has shown me in the past eight months, I couldn't help but think of how he not only commands Israel to remember but he also commands them to speak of his works. They are to tell each other the stories of his faithfulness. They are to rejoice together over the things he has done. And I have been writing my list long enough to know what it looks like when it's genuine, so I have a better idea of what to watch for to make sure it remains genuine.

So I have decided to share some pieces of my list.

My purpose in doing so is twofold.

Firstly, I want to tell of his works. I want to share these pictures of his faithfulness. I want his goodness to be known through my life.

Secondly, I hope it may influence at least a few of you to start lists of your own. I know the desire was stirred in me by reading Rachel's blog and I hope that you may be spurred on to look more closely for God's hand in your life, that you, too, may find the life you've always wanted.

Here's my plan (because I always have a plan....): I will post my lists on Thursdays (hence the name "Thankful Thursday"). To start with, I am going to go back and pick out some highlights from the past eight months covering one month each week which should catch me up to the present time by the end of July. After that, each post will be items from the previous week. That's it.

It's a simple plan.

So, tune in tomorrow for "Thankful Thursday: October Edition" and rejoice with me over the great things he has done.

Warning

2011-06-07T10:04:00.012-05:00

The Way of Folly
The woman Folly is loud;
she is seductive and knows nothing.
She sits at the door of her house;
she takes a seat on the highest places of the town,
calling to those who pass by,
who are going straight on their way,
“Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!”
And to him who lacks sense she says,
“Stolen water is sweet,
and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”
But he does not know that the dead are there,
that her guests are in the depths of Sheol.
Proverbs 9:13-18

What folly it is to entertain so many of the sinful heart behaviors that we engage in so willingly. Pride. Self-sufficiency. Bitterness. Lust. Boasting. Jealousy. Greed. Laziness. Vanity.

What folly it is to run after so many of the idols we pursue so fervently. Relationships. Approval. Comfort. Ease. The illusion of financial stability. Achievement. The praise of men.

His love is better than life itself. It is better than stolen water. It is better than bread eaten in secret. And it is certainly better than being in the depths of Sheol...

Lord, turn us from folly for the sake of your name.

The Two Trees 4/26

2011-05-26T22:37:00.002-05:00

The Two Trees

Beloved, gaze in thine own heart,
The holy tree is growing there;
From joy the holy branches start
And all the trembling flowers they bear.
The changing colours of its fruit
Have dowered the stars with merry light;
The surety of its hidden root
Has planted quiet in the night;
The shaking of its leafy head
Has given the waves their melody,
And made my lips and music wed,
Murmuring a wizard song for thee.
There the Loves a circle go,
The flaming circle of our days,
Gyring, spiring to and fro
In those great ignorant leafy ways;
Remembering all that shaken hair
And how the winged sandals dart,
Thine eyes grow full of tender care:
Beloved, gaze in thine own heart.

Gaze no more in the bitter glass
The demons, with their subtle guile,
Lift up before us when they pass,
Or only gaze a little while;
For there a fatal image grows
That the stormy night receives,
Roots half hidden under snows,
Broken boughs and blackened leaves.
For all things turn to barrenness
In the dim glass the demons hold,
The glass of outer weariness,
Made when God slept in times of old.
There, through the broken branches, go
The ravens of unresting thought;
Flying, crying, to and fro,
Cruel claw and hungry throat,
Or else they stand and sniff the wind,
And shake their ragged wings; alas!
The tender eyes grow all unkind:
Gaze no more in the bitter glass.

-William Butler Yeats

In This I am Staggered 4/25

2011-05-25T21:51:00.007-05:00

In This I am Staggered

How?
How can His heart not be shattered to countless slivers of broken emotion?
How can He stand to see the unmitigated sorrow of just one person?
How can He bear to know the daily miseries of every. single. person on this earth?

I see a glimpse of one person's heartache,
and it saddens me for an hour.
A longer look
and I am changed for the day.
A serious examination
And I am no longer just thinking about it for
a day,
a week,
a month,
but for years afterward.

How does God do it?

Of all the amazing things
and beautiful
and impossible
and inspiring
things that God does,
this, perhaps, is the most staggering to me:
that he can stand the whole tsunamic force of human emotion and sin;
that he does not stop pouring himself out
even though he sees
the utter ruinous depths of our hearts;
that He does not simply
set the Earth spinning,

let it go,

and let it burn.

But he gives joy.

life.

love.

peace.

breath.

comfort.

forgiveness.

companionship.

a never-ending flow of things we need.

-Warren MacLeod

What People Give You 4/24

2011-05-24T22:46:00.004-05:00

My roommate's mom passed away unexpectedly six weeks ago. Tonight, our Bible study girls gave her a Storypeople print, a Snapfish photo book and some of our tears. I would do absolutely anything in the world to give her her mommy back.

What People Give You

Long-faced irises. Mums.

Pink roses and white roses

and giant sunflowers,

and hundreds of daisies.

Fruit baskets with muscular pears,

and water crackers and tiny jams

and the steady march of casseroles.

And money,

people give money these days.

Cards, of course:

the Madonna, wise

and sad just for you,

Chinese cherry blossoms,

sunsets and moonscapes,

and dragonflies for transcendence.

People stand by your sink

and offer up their pain:

Did you know I lost a baby once,

or My eldest son was killed,

or My mother died two months ago.

People are good.

They file into your cartoon house until it bows at the seams;

they give you every

blessed

thing,

everything,

except your daughter back.

-Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno

Why I am Not a Vegetarian 4/23

2011-05-23T00:34:00.003-05:00

Why I am Not a Vegetarian

It's not that I love animals less,

a case could be made I love them more -

and it's not that I love vegetables less,

I love them rare,

nothing more savory than raw celery

clawing and kicking its way down the gullet.

What I find hard to stomach is vegetarians.

If there is a vegetarian at the table, we all

get called in to be witnesses at a police lineup.

Cheese, eggs, fish,

each suspect paraded for identification -

pronounced innocent, guilty,

please take two steps forward.

And it's not like there is just one canon

for the good host to worry about.

Each vegetarian comes with a different menu.

Most won't eat anything that had legs,

though many eat fish, a fin nothing like a leg,

And eat shrimp, that have legs

which count as fins since they come from the sea,

Oysters are problematic, without legs and from the sea,

but mostly eaten alive, like carrots.

A few pass on eggs because of the latent leg potential,

though pasta is usually okay,

the potential hard to realize under the marinara.

One friend doesn't drink milk

but asks for extra au jus

for his mashed potatoes. I haven't the heart

to explain what kind of vegetable the "au" is

or how many get squeezed to make a cup of "jus."

Don't misunderstand,

I admire those who stand on principle,

however vague, who doesn't admire

the resolve of, say, a Jerry Falwell,

to bear the weight of so much conviction

he can hardly walk to church.

Praise the Lord for limousines.

As my mother would say,

"Live and let live -

Just keep the details to yourself,

And pass the ketchup, please."

-David Oliveira

Untitled 4/22

2011-05-22T10:59:00.002-05:00

Untitled

They spit upon His meekness,

And struck Him in the face.

Their floggers swung with hatred;

They stripped Him in disgrace.

Deep worked the Roman anger

That tortured Him, a Jew;

Yet this His contemplation:

"They know not what they do."

His people cheered "Hosanna,"

Then had Him crucified.

They freed corrupt Barabbas;

To sentence Him, they lied.

He hung outside their city,

Where leaders mocked Him, too;

Yet this, the hurt He carried:

"I would have gathered you."

No angels came to help Him

When Heaven on Him fell.

The Devil tried to reach Him

Through ev'ry lie in hell.

Unthinkable the anguish

As Father crushed the Son,

Yet this, his firm conviction:

"Thy will, not mine, be done."

No selfishness, no hatred,

No spitefulness was there.

No unbelief, no cursing,

No pity from despair.

One sinful thought; one failure,

And Love would not succeed.

The ransomed souls of hist'ry

Must His perfection plead.

If He had faltered even once,

In flames of hell would men abide.

Then ponder Christ, and praise at length

The strength of Him there crucified.

-K. Hartnett

Perhaps the World Ends Here 4/21

2011-05-21T16:05:00.003-05:00

I already had this poem picked out to post in April. Seemed fitting for today....

Perhaps the World Ends Here

The world begins at a kitchen table. No matter what,

we must eat to live.

The gifts of earth are brought and prepared, set on the

table so it has been since creation, and it will go on.

We chase chickens or dogs away from it. Babies teethe

at the corners. They scrape their knees under it.

It is here that children are given instructions on what

it means to be human. We make men at it,

we make women.

At this table we gossip, recall enemies and the ghosts

of lovers.

Our dreams drink coffee with us as they put their arms

around our children. They laugh with us at our poor

falling-down selves and we put ourselves back

together once again at the table.

This table has been a house in the rain, an umbrella

in the sun.

Wars have begun and ended at this table. It is a place

to hide in the shadow of terror. A place to celebrate

the terrible victory.

We have given birth on this table, and have prepared

our parents for burial here.

At this table we sing with joy, with sorrow.

We pray of suffering and remorse.

We give thanks.

Perhaps the world will end at the kitchen table,

while we are laughing and crying,

eating of the last sweet bite.

-Joy Harjo

Mormon Missionaries Pay Me a Visit 4/18

2011-05-19T22:49:00.002-05:00

Mormon Missionaries Pay Me a Visit

I'm sitting on my lawn
enjoying a nice blunt cigar
watching children ride scooters
up and down the street
twilight gently falling,
swallows circling,
Mississippi Kites high overhead,
tree frog, sounds of sweet shadows

Then I see them in the corner of my eye,
two bikes slow
they can not pass a lost soul -
I'm too conspicuous -
I don't want this feeling, I want them
to pass me by

Good evening sir they say
I'm Elder Hansen says the first
I'm Elder Olson the second chokes
and then they wait
but all I can think to say:
You're kind of young to be elders, aren't you?
They launch into their sales pitch
about Restoration and Heavenly Father
while I recoil in smoke, then interrupt
If I convert do I have to give up this cigar?
They are not sure
but soon get back on track
like a loose wheel wobbling
until they finally bid me good evening.
I watch them roll away
and wonder
what gives them the audacity to interrupt me
while I am at worship

-Ken Hada

A Primer 4/17

2011-05-17T14:09:00.002-05:00

A Primer

I remember Michigan fondly as the place I go

to be in Michigan. The right hand of America

waving from maps or the left

pressing into clay a mold to take home

from kindergarten to Mother. I lived in Michigan

forty-three years. The state bird

is a chained factory gate. The state flower

is Lake Superior, which sounds egotistical

though it is merely cold and deep as truth.

A Midwesterner can use the world "truth,"

can sincerely use the word "sincere."

In truth the Midwest is not mid or west.

When I go back to Michigan I drive through Ohio.

There is off I-75 in Ohio a mosque, so life

goes corn corn corn mosque, I wave at Islam,

which we're not getting along with

on account of the Towers as I pass.

Then Ohio goes corn corn corn

billboard, goodbye, Islam. You never forget

how to be from Michigan when you're from Michigan.

It's like riding a bike of ice and fly fishing.

The Upper Peninsula is a spare state

in case Michigan goes flat. I live now

in Virginia, which has no backup plan

but is named the same as my mother,

I live in my mother again, which is creepy

but so is what the skin under my chin is doing,

suddenly there's a pouch like marsupials

are needed. The state joy is spring.

"Osiris, we beseech thee, rise and give us baseball!"

is how we might sound were we Egyptian in April,

when February hasn't ended. February

is thirteen months long in Michigan.

We are a people who by February

want to kill the sky for being so gray

and angry at us. "What did we do?"

is the state motto. There's a day in May

when we're all tumblers, gymnastics

is everywhere, and daffodils are asked

by young men to be their wives. When a man elopes

with a daffodil, you know where he's from.

In this way I have given you a primer.

Let us all be from somewhere.

Let us tell each other everything we can.

-Bob Hicok

Last Meal 4/16

2011-05-17T00:31:00.004-05:00

Oopsie! I'm a little bit late with this one. But when you're already a month behind, what's another half hour?!?!?

Last Meal

On death row you celebrate your last night

with your last dinner, your choice, your last craving

to make at least your stomach happy before it stops

craving anything at all. Many choose

simple food: a hamburger, mac and cheese, ice cream.

What might it be for you, my friend?

Duckling Rouenaisse? A roast of unborn lamb?

Washed down with Veuve Cliquot '59 and old Armagnac?

And how do you know, my friend, that you are not

eating your last meal at this very table now?

Chew slowly. Make sure you take in all the body and the blood.

-Bill Holm

Directions 4/15

2011-05-15T17:37:00.002-05:00

Directions

First you'll come to the end of the freeway.

Then it's not so much north on Woodland Avenue

as it is a feeling that the pines are taller and weigh more,

and the road, you'll notice,

is older with faded lines and unmown shoulders.

You'll see a cemetery on your right

and another later on your left.

Sobered, drive on.

Drive on for miles

if the fields are full of hawkweed and daisies.

Sometimes a spotted horse

will gallop along the fence. Sometimes you'll see

a hawk circling, sometimes a vulture.

You'll cross the river many times

over smaller and smaller bridges.

You'll know when you're close;

people always say they have a sudden sensation

that the horizon, which was always far ahead,

is now directly behind them.

At this point you may want to park

and proceed on foot, or even

on your knees.

-Connie Wanek

Three Perfect Days 4/14

2011-05-14T17:46:00.006-05:00

A LOT of life has happened in the past month. Consequently, if something wasn't directly in front of my face, it didn't get done (hence the abrupt end to poetry month). Some of the dust has finally started to settle, and, although a few of the waves will continue to roll for a while, I am ready to catch up on some of the things that got set aside while I attended to more important issues in my life and the lives of my friends. I am still excited about the poems I picked out for April, so I will pick up right where I left off, on the 14th of the month, and finish the (new) poetry month. April might be the official poetry month, but the poems are good year-round! Enjoy!

Three Perfect Days

In the middle seat of an airplane,

between an overweight woman

whose arm takes over the armrest

and a man immersed in his computer game,

I am reading the inflight magazine

about three perfect days somewhere: Kyoto

this time, but it could be anywhere -

Madagascar or one of the Virgin Islands.

There is always the perfect hotel

where at breakfast the waiter smiles

as he serves an egg as perfectly coddled

as a Spanish Infanta.

There are walks over perfect bridges - their spans

defying physics - and visits to zoos

where rain is forbidden,

and no small child is ever bored or crying.

I would settle now for just one perfect day

anywhere at all, a day without

mosquitoes, or traffic, or newspapers

with their headlines.

A day without any kind of turbulence -

certainly not this kind, as the pilot tells us

to fasten our seatbelts, and even

the flight attendants look nervous.

-Linda Pastan

Notes from the Delivery Room 4/19

2011-04-19T17:16:00.002-05:00

Happy Labor-Day, Mom!! I'm glad for your sake that babies DON'T grow in fields....I don't think they would take to well to being stacked behind the garage like firewood..... :-)

Notes from the Delivery Room

Strapped down,

victim in an old comic book,

I have been here before,

this place where pain winces

off the walls

like too bright light.

Bear down a doctor says,

foreman to sweating laborer,

but this work, this forcing

of one life from another

is something that I signed for

in a moment when I would have signed anything.

Babies should grow in fields;

common as beets or turnips

they should be picked and held

root end up, soil spilling

from between their toes -

and how much easier it would be later,

returning them to earth.

Bear up...bear down...the audience

grows restive, and I'm a new magician

who can't produce the rabbit

from my swollen hat.

She's crowning, someone says,

but there is no one royal here,

just me, quite barefoot,

greeting my barefoot child.

-Linda Pastan

Doubly Relieved 4/13

2011-04-13T09:13:00.001-05:00

Doubly Relieved

My patient Comforter, my God,

My Life, my Breath, my holy Zeal,

My soul is doubly sorrowful:

That I still sin against your Seal,

And sinning cause my Sovereign grief.

I know it is your holy way

To make your grief serve perfect joy,

But I still pray, O bring the day

When, in the twinkling of an eye,

My soul will doubly be relieved:

I will not ever sin again,

And you will nevermore be grieved.

-John Piper

The Thing Is 4/12

2011-04-12T09:00:00.002-05:00

The Thing Is

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

-Ellen Bass

Forgetfulness 4/11

2011-04-11T05:50:00.002-05:00

More Billy Collins. Can't get enough of this guy!

Forgetfulness

The name of the author is the first to go

followed obediently by the title, the plot,

the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel

which suddenly becomes one you have never read,

never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor

decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,

to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye

and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,

and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,

the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,

it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,

not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river

whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,

well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those

who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night

to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.

No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted

out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

-Billy Collins

Burned Man 4/10

2011-04-10T10:05:00.005-05:00

Burned Man

When I was twelve, a man was burned

not quite to death at my father's

factory. Recovered enough

to walk the town, he didn't know

what to do with himself - a ghost

whose scarred, fire bubbled face made you

look away, though not my father

who felt responsible and so wouldn't

refuse the man's eyes when they fell

upon him. The burned man held no

grudge, thought the accident his

own fault, and sought my father out

as the one whose eyes told him yes,

he was still alive.

So they held long

conversations on the post office

stoop, which I observed from the car

where I waited, where I could read

my father's stiff shoulders, the way

he clutched the mail, how he tilted

his head, even his smile that was

in truth a grimace. I knew just

what my mother knew - my father

had to let himself be tortured

once or twice a week, whenever

Bernard Sawyers saw him in town,

lifted his claw of a hand, rasped

out his greeting that sounded like

a raven that'd been taught to say

Hello, Mr. Huddle, how are you?

They'd stand there talking in the town's

blazing sunlight, the one whom fire

had taken to the edge of death

and the other invisibly

burning while they passed the time of day.

-David Huddle.

The Lagos Road 4/9

2011-04-09T23:49:00.002-05:00

A beautiful and convicting poem by my talented friend Warren.

The Lagos Road

Four oyibos and one dudu
Driving the Lagos road.
Laughing. Chatting. Dancing.

A "go-slow."
Traffic backed up.
Miles and miles of cars.
Impatient. Frustrated. Hot.

Finally. Some movement.
Some action.
Let's get this show on the road.

A semi. A danfo taxibus.
A man's purple-clothed arm.
Lifeless.
A woman's head, wig askew.
Lifeless.
No more laughing. No more chatting. No more dancing.

Silence.

Four oyibos and one dudu
Driving back the Lagos road.
Proud of their purchases. Showing off their buys.
Forgetful. Callous.

Typical.

-Warren MacLeod

Love (III) 4/8

2011-04-08T10:46:00.003-05:00

Happy birthday, Jill!! In honor of my dear friend's birthday, I am posting her favorite poem. It's a good one. Enjoy!

Love (III)

Love bade me welcome, yet my soul drew back,

Guilty of dust and sin.

But quick'ey'd Love, observing me grow slack

From my first entrance in,

Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning

If I lack'd anything.

"A guest," I answer'd, "worthy to be here":

Love said, "You shall be he."

"I, the unkind, the ungrateful? ah my dear,

I cannot look on thee."

Love took my hand and smiling did reply,

"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them: let my shame

Go where it doth deserve."

"And know you not," says Love, "who bore the blame?"

"My dear, then I will serve."

"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."

So I did sit and eat.

-George Herbert

Hymn to the Comb-Over 4/7

2011-04-07T08:58:00.002-05:00

Since yesterday's poem was a bit of a Debbie Downer, I decided to lighten things up today with a tribute to comb-overs. It's like my entire junior year of trigonometry, wrapped up in a pretty little poem....

Hymn to the Comb-Over

How the thickest of them erupt just

above the ear, cresting in waves so stiff

no wind can move them. Let us praise them

in all of their varieties, some skinny

as the bands of headphones, some rising

from a part that extends halfway around

the head, other four or five strings

stretched so taut the scalp resembles

a musical instrument. Let us praise the sprays

that hold them, and the combs that coax

such abundance to the front of the head

in the mirror, the combers entirely forget

the back. And let us celebrate the combers,

who address the old sorrow of time's passing

day after day, bringing out the barrenness

of mid-life this ridiculous and wonderful

harvest, no wishful flag of hope, but, thick,

or thin, the flag itself, unfurled for us all

in subways, offices, and malls across America.

-Wesley McNair

Sins of the Father 4/6

2011-04-06T00:13:00.002-05:00

Sins of the Father

Today my child came home from school in tears.

A classmate taunted her about her clothes,

and the other kids joined in, enough of them

to make her feel as if the fault was hers,

as if she can't fit in no matter what.

A decent child, lovely, bright, considerate.

It breaks my heart. It makes me want someone

to pay. It makes me think - O Christ, it makes

me think of things I haven't thought about

in years. How we nicknamed Barbara Hoffman

"Barn," walked behind her through the halls and mooed

like cows. We kept this up for years, and not

for any reason I could tell you now

or even then except that it was fun.

Or seemed like fun. The nights that Barbara

must have cried herself to sleep, the days

she must have dreaded getting up for school.

Or Suzanne Heider. We called her "Spider."

And we were certain Gareth Schultz was queer

and let him know it. Now there's nothing I

can do but stand outside my daughter's door

listening to her cry herself to sleep.

-W.D. Ehrhart

On Punctuation 4/5

2011-04-05T00:11:00.002-05:00

Just for fun.

On Punctuation

not for me the dogma of the period

preaching order and a sure conclusion

and no not for me the prissy

formality or tight-lipped fence

of the colon and as for the semi-

colon call it what it is

a period slumming

with the commas

a poser at the bar

feigning liberation with one hand

tightening the leash with the other

oh give me the headlong run-on

fragment dangling its feet

over the edge give me the sly

comma with its come-hither

wave teasing all the characters

on either side give me ellipses

not just a gang of periods

a trail of possibilities

or give me the sweet interrupting dash

the running leaping joining dash all the voices

gleeing out over one another

oh if I must

punctuate

give me the YIPEE

of the exclamation point

give me give me the curling

cupping curve mounting the period

with voluptuous uncertainty

-Elizabeth Austen

Dharma 4/4

2011-04-04T13:42:00.002-05:00

I'm thinking about getting a dog. Billy Collins is my favorite. poet. ever. Hence, a Billy Collins poem about a dog is a fitting entry for the day.

Dharma

The way the dog trots out the front door

every morning

without a hat or an umbrella,

without any money

or the keys to her dog house

never fails to fill the saucer of my heart

with milky admiration.

Who provides a finer example

of a life without encumbrance -

Thoreau in his curtainless hut

with a single plate, a single spoon?

Ghandi with his staff and his holy diapers?

Off she goes into the material world

with nothing but her brown coat

and her modest blue collar,

following only her wet nose,

the twin portals of her steady breathing,

followed only by the plume of her tail.

If only she did not shove the cat aside

every morning

and eat all his food

what a model of self-containment she would be,

what a paragon of earthly detachment.

If only she were not so eager

for a rub behind the ears,

so acrobatic in her welcomes,

if only I were not her god.

-Billy Collins

The Woodcutter Changes His Mind 4/3

2011-04-03T13:10:00.003-05:00

Probably one of my favorites for the month.

The Woodcutter Changes His Mind

When I was young, I cut the bigger, older trees for firewood, the ones

with heart rot, dead and broken branches, the crippled and deformed

ones, because, I reasoned, they were going to fall soon anyway, and

therefore, I should give the younger trees more light and room to grow.

Now I'm older and I cut the younger, strong and sturdy, solid

and beautiful trees, and I let the older ones have a few more years

of light and water and leaf in the forest they have known so long.

Soon enough they will be prostrate on the ground.

Obituary 4/2

2011-04-02T16:12:00.003-05:00

Might as well get all of the death-themed poems out of the way early on..... :-)

Obituary

Just once, you say,

you'd like to see

an obituary in which

the deceased didn't succumb

after "a heroic struggle" with cancer,

or heart disease, or Alzheimer's, or

whatever it was

that finally took him down.

Just once, you say,

couldn't the obit read:

He got sick and quit.

He gave up the ghost.

He put up no fight at all.

Rolled over. Bailed out.

Got out while the getting was good.

Excused himself from life's feast.

You're making a joke and

I laugh, though you can't know

I'm considering exactly that:

no radical prostatectomy for me,

no matter what General Practitioner

and Major Oncologist may say.

I think, let that walnut-sized

pipsqueak have its way with me,

that pebble in cancer's slingshot

that brings dim Goliath down.

So, old friend, before I go

and take all the wide world with me,

I want you to know

I picked up the tip.

I skipped the main course,

I'm here in the punch line.

Old friend, the joke's on me.

-Ronald Wallace

All in a day's...

2011-04-02T01:19:00.003-05:00

One of my patients yesterday begged me to request to be her nurse again today because, according to her, I was the nicest person she has ever met.

My other patient told me he had requested to be assigned to the pretty nurses and figured that someone had taken him seriously. He told me I was the prettiest nurse he has ever had.*

My patient today told me I was beautiful and asked if he could get a picture with me.**

All three have extensive psych histories.

Ah well, I'll take what I can get.

#missedmycalling #shouldabeenapsychnurse

*He also told me that we f***ing better figure out what was f***ing wrong with him so he could go the f*** home or he was going to go f***ing nuts. Ah, f***!!! ...... My job is definitely rated R.

**This patient also had sudden-onset testicular pain and was hoping I could take a look to see if something was wrong. Some compliments get really creepy really fast....

The Red Coat 4/1

2011-04-01T00:41:00.005-05:00

YAY!!!! National Poetry Month is here!! I am SO excited.

I am kicking off the month with a poem in remembrance of my grandma who passed away one year ago today. I have missed her dearly this year, most recently when I was in Yuma and she wasn't sitting in her chair watching Mary Beth and calling me "honey." :-)

I chose this poem because of the last line....because even more than missing Grandma, it has been difficult watching Grandpa not have something he loved, yet he weathers his grief with such grace and dignity. I love that dear man with all of my heart and I would give him a million "red coats" if they could in any way ease his loss.

Miss you, Grandma.

Love you, Grandpa.

The Red Coat

It's sleeting when we walk from the white church,
the ground frozen, the brown grass brittle.
I am somewhat back in the long black line of mourners,

behind my sisters, their husbands and children. I see it
all as it's happening as though it's not happening.
The roses on the polished oak of my father's coffin

are sheeting with ice and I know the red coat
is too thin to keep my mother warm. She's not shivering.
She walks across the breaking grass behind the coffin

slowly and with great dignity—without her oxygen tank,
her mouth open, a rose filled with snow.
She's walking toward something silver and mechanical,

like a fence around the grave. There's a canopy imprinted
with the logo of the funeral home, Herndon and Sons,
and four rows of white plastic chairs and the artificial grass.

A blue tarp covers a red clay pile of earth. We aren't supposed
to notice these things. Bits of color in wool hats and scarves
and the red coat. My mother was determined to wear the red coat

which I'd bought for myself but gave to her because she loved it,
because it is the color that he loved on her,
because I could not bear her not having anything she loved.

-Idris Anderson

Thankful...

2011-02-18T10:23:00.001-06:00

...for a God who is constant and faithful.

As I waver in my weakness, he holds me firmly and decisively.

Glory be.

Mid-February

2011-02-15T13:05:00.003-06:00

I typically save my favorite poems from the year for posts during National Poetry Month, but this one feels too time-sensitive to save for a month and a half. It is a beautiful poem. May it be a moment of light in the middle of your long Midwestern winter (or your winter in any other area of the world, should it be as cold and dreary as it is here).

Mid-February

The day is warm and dank as early summer.
Crows scream and pitch in the woods
like the ruckus of old women fighting
for the shreds of their lives.

A sudden silence — then the hum
of a black-winged cloud oozing
through the naked sky —
the ruckus begins again.

Under the layers of winter grey,
the farm is pale and muted, the barn doors
shut tight. The only animals in sight
an earth-brown squirrel and these harbinger birds.

I am waiting for the sun to shine again,
to learn how to unfurl my heart in its warmth.
These days, neither long nor short, bright nor dark,
wet nor dry, fill me with a sadness I cannot name.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, a day of love
and chocolate. My father, born eighty-one years ago,
always bought red cardboard hearts full of truffles
for my mother, my sister and me. Now he is gone.

This morning, the doctor taps his pencil
against the screen. A six-week ultrasound.
There, that's the heartbeat.
A tiny flutter outlined by grey.

-Ann Campanella

Plea from a Stiff-Necked Idol Worshipper

2011-02-11T00:12:00.005-06:00

I am reading through the Bible chronologically which currently puts me at the construction of the tabernacle in Exodus 36.

A few days ago, Moses was on Mount Sinai receiving several chapters worth of instructions from the Lord regarding building the tabernacle, consecrating the priests and keeping the Sabbath. With his brain full of numbers and his arms full of stone tablets, he came down off the mountain to find Israel worshipping a golden calf which he promptly burned and fed to the people.

The Lord then commanded Moses to depart Sinai and continue on to the land which he swore to Abraham, except now, the Lord is no longer planning on going with the people. He is sending an angel instead. He does this "lest [he] consume [them] on the way, for [they] are a stiff-necked people." (Exodus 33:3)

Moses intercedes on behalf of Israel, appealing to the fact that "this nation is your people" (33:13) and stating that it is precisely because they are a stiff-necked people that they need the Lord to go in their midst (34:9) at which point God renews His covenant with His people.

Huh.

The stiff-neck-ed-ness that ought to cause Israel shame is the very thing that Moses appeals to as the reason for the Lord to stay in their midst.

They are at their greatest need of His presence when they are the least deserving of it.

I don't think like Moses. I think like Adam. My sin-induced shame causes me to flee. It draws me into hiding. It stirs up within me a deep fear of His presence.

But it is in those moments that I most desperately need him in my midst to "pardon [my] iniquity and [my] sin, and take [me] for [his] inheritance." (34:9)

It sounds so elementary, but it is such a different way of thinking for me - that the sin that makes me so unworthy is the very reason I should appeal for him to come into my midst with his searing, all-consuming holiness.

Do these things within me, Lord. May the awareness of my sin cause me to plead for your presence. May my golden calves be burned, desecrated and humiliated. Break my stiff neck, pardon my iniquity and take me for your inheritance. And as my face shines from your presence, may you receive the glory.

Assuming Discrimination

2011-01-27T08:59:00.003-06:00

Sign from this morning's Today show:

"Hire a Older Worker"

My response:

You assume ageism.

Perhaps they simply chose to hire somebody who uses proper grammar.

Sweet Words for a Tired Heart

2011-01-24T08:40:00.002-06:00

I hear the Savior say,

"Thy strength indeed is small.

Child of weakness watch and pray;

find in me thine all in all."

On Kidneys and Kin

2011-01-12T22:22:00.005-06:00

My sister just blogged about our mutual love for kidney humor.

It's true: I DO love her with all of my kidney. AND my heart. (And maybe even a chunk of my liver, should she ever need it).

I would take that disgusting medicine for 8 MORE years if it meant having her here happy, healthy and laughing at kidney humor with me.

Love you, sis. Keep laughing your hearty laugh.

And drink lots of water.

Why I Write

2011-01-10T14:06:00.003-06:00

"When Feng was a child, he'd sometimes imagined that his own eyes were cameras. He'd played at remembering things that way, imagining that when he blinked, the shutters came down and he recorded what he saw forever. The light in the trees. His mother's face. The sun setting at home in reds and oranges, flamboyant in the silty air. He played that he might remember these things, but of course, over time, he could only remember pieces of them. He'd read a book once, in English, about a boy with a photographic memory. The boy could glance at a page and learn every word by heart. He could look at a table of numbers once and recall every digit perfectly. Feng had been much intrigued with this story, and yet he'd thought, how much more interesting it would be to have a photographic memory for faces or for landscapes. How much more valuable to possess perfect recall of the people that you loved, or the most beautiful places you had been. To lie in bed and watch them over and over in your mind, like a slide show before sleep. Memorizing digits was mundane; there were techniques for that. But what was the mnemonic for experience? Only art." -Intuition by Allegra Goodman

I'll have Isaiah with a side of carrots, please...

2011-01-04T22:24:00.008-06:00

I love my church.

Last Sunday, I was reminded once again of the myriad ways I learn at that church. I hardly remember a thing from the sermon because I spent the entire service thinking long and hard on a passing comment that was made during the announcements.

Who goes to church prepared to receive soul-feeding truth from the announcements?!?!

(The downside of this phenomenon is that it happens often enough that I get very irritable when I am late for church. While some may be tempted to say "you're only missing the announcements," I am all-too-fully aware that I may be missing out on tendrils of thought that may encourage me for days. I want to hear the announcements, dangit!)

The focus of the entire morning (announcements, worship, responsive readings, sermon) was on the Word of God. I don't remember the exact context, but during the announcements Pastor Sam was pointing out all of the different Bible-reading tools available in the lobby. He was making a case for the importance of being in the Word on a daily basis and he made the comment that you may not always remember what you read last Saturday and that's okay. You may not remember what you had for lunch on Saturday, either, but it still nourished you at the time.

That struck me as so profound and encouraging that I spent the entire rest of the service contemplating that one thought. I think I am sometimes discouraged from my time spent reading the Word because I don't perceive that it is making any instant and tangible change in my life. Sometimes I can't even articulate the general significance of the passage I am reading, much less what I myself am learning from it. As I pondered, I realized I have bought-in to the emotionalization that pervades my generation. I want a Scripture-reading experience. I want to feel something. I want every encounter with Scripture to be life-changing. But sometimes it's not. Sometimes it is "merely" life-sustaining. And that's okay.

I like the food analogy. There is a time for feasting. There is a time for life-changing, emotional encounters with God's Holy Word. It's like Christmas dinner (which, some would argue, can be a life-changing, emotional experience itself). And when the time comes for such an experience, it should be treasured, celebrated, enjoyed, and valued. But it might not be the norm. And it certainly isn't necessary on a daily basis.

Sometimes you just need a piece of toast to hold you over until dinner.

The funny thing is that these "forgettable" meals are actually the important ones. They are the life-sustaining ones. You can live without an annual Christmas feast. You can't live without all of your forgettable meals. You would probably only eat on holidays and even then, you wouldn't be able to enjoy it. Your stomach would be so shriveled - so familiar with your starvation- that the feast would sicken you.

So, here's to a new approach to Scripture in 2011! May it be a life-sustaining year. And may it prepare me for the feast, should it come.

Ding Dong!

2011-01-04T00:49:00.003-06:00

The birds are dead.

At first, I felt a little guilty for being so pleased to hear of the mass casualty.

But then I decided to make a three-days-in-to-the-New-Year's resolution to feel less guilty in 2011.

So I got up and did a munchkin-inspired dance instead.

I really, really don't like those birds.

On Grace and the Guthrie

2010-12-15T12:51:00.005-06:00

My journal entries do not often make it to places of public viewing. That is partially for privacy's sake and partially because I generally use a different writing style in my journal and it is not as easy and/or entertaining to read. That being said, I wrote a journal entry on Sunday evening that sounded an awful lot like a blog post to me. Maybe I chose the wrong medium*. Or maybe my creative writing neurons were inspired by N.D. Wilson's "Notes From the Tilt-A-Whirl" (which I HIGHLY recommend) and it spilled over into my journal. Regardless of the reason, a blog post written - even if written in a journal - should prolly be posted. And so it shall be.

*In retrospect, it may be a good thing this post did not make it's way directly to my blog. If it had, it likely would have ended up with some ridiculously cheesy title like "The Storm Within" or "The Drama-Causing Drama." What providence.

12/12/10

2nd biggest storm in Rochester's history. The roof of the Metrodome collapsed. Someone probably died on the road today. I spent 20 minutes of my afternoon crying because I couldn't make it to Minneapolis to see "The Christmas Carol" at the Guthrie with my sisters.

I am curled up in my sweats next to the heat of my fireplace reading N.D. Wilson's "Notes From the Tilt-A-Whirl" by the soft glow of my Christmas tree as I watch the sun set over a snowy horizon and I am feeling very blessed in my disappointment.

It is amazing how narrow my perspective has gotten. It is disgusting how ego-centric my world is.

I just had a profoundly first-world emotional crisis.

I'm not saying there is no room for grace in disappointment here. I LOVE my sisters. I love theater. I have been excited for this particular night for over a month. It was my Christmas present. I am going to feel something.

So I wept. I wept over lost entertainment as I stared out the window at 18 inches of entertainment that fell last night. And I learned that when the veil of control is ripped from my face, the sting makes my eyes water.

I don't like having my plans messed with. I don't like being reminded that I do not exert absolute control over my own life. I don't have time for displays of divine power. I had a show to see.

So I cried. I cried tears of sadness and disappointment. Valid tears. But also tears of self-pity. Tears of frustration. Tears of anger. I was a two-year-old and I was not getting what I wanted.

I was whining.

I was forced to trade the beauty of a stage for the beauty of wind-cut snowdrifts and I was not satisfied. God's stage was not enough. I wanted a human stage tonight. I wanted to see the story I was expecting, not the one I am currently being told. This story about a God of power and beauty, a God who can stop entire cities overnight, a God who can foil your plans for the day and top it off with an orange sky burning up a white horizon thereby making your soul sing, a God who created fire in all of its eye-drawing mystery and comforting warmth - this is not the story I wanted. This story makes me feel small. Vulnerable. Humbled.

The seats at the Guthrie are very comfortable.

I am still disappointed that I am missing the play, and yet I can't help but feel God's hand of blessing all around me. I was fully prepared to feel pouty all night; rather, in spite of myself, my eyes have been opened to another drama unfolding around me. Except this time I am not relaxing comfortably in the audience. This time I am on center stage. And, if you pay close enough attention, you will find beauty in the story. Even in the shadowy parts. Even in the disappointment. More beauty than you will know what to do with.

This night did not turn out how I expected. I wanted ghosts. I got grace. I wanted to watch Scrooge change but I was transformed instead. I wanted to be inspired by his changed perspective. I wasn't expecting to actually have to change mine.

I wanted to be reminded that there is grace for people like him. Instead, I was destroyed (in the best sense) by the truth that there is grace for people like me, too.

This is not what I wanted. This is not what I had planned. This beauty. This display of power. This reminder of my own small-ness. This was not how I intended on spending my evening.

And yet as I read about the beauty of God's Art (sidenote: this is in reference to N.D. Wilson's view of the world. Read the book. Seriously.), as I ponder how numb I have become to the world's marvels, as I try to learn something about the Artist from the snowdrift in front of my garage, I wonder if this is not the best story for my night afterall.

It has only been two hours since I made my tear-laden decision to stay home. I am amazed at how different I feel. I am still disappointed. There's no doubt about that. But I am also surprisingly content.

I didn't get to go to the Guthrie tonight. Instead, I learned that I have a faith issue and I was reminded in a myriad of ways that I am loved and known by my Creator. It might not have been as much "fun," but these lessons from the shadows will probably serve me better as my own story unfolds.

I guess I'll go to the Guthrie next year. And, should my memory be blessed with a vivid recollection of this night, I may even see a bit more of myself on that stage. I may not feel as removed in the comfort of my theater seat. It may make for an even better story.

Good News/Bad News

2010-12-13T21:38:00.002-06:00

Good News: Much to my delight, I found $5 in my coat pocket twice in the past week.

Bad News: It was the same $5 both times.

Ridiculous News: I still put it back in my pocket after the second time that I found it. (To my credit, I didn't have access to my wallet at the time). Maybe I'll "find" it again next week...

Thanksgiving Poem

2010-11-25T11:47:00.002-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving, friendsies! Here is my new favorite Thanksgiving poem for you to enjoy.

THANKSGIVING (A CONFESSION AND A PLEA TO THE ALMIGHTY)

O God, Magnificent Confounder,
Boundless in mercy and power,
Be near me in my apathy.

Be near me, Savage Dreamer,
Bright Igniter of Exploding Suns,
But not too near. I’d like to live,

By your grace, just long enough
To taste another perfect steak.
And to see my children marry,

And, perhaps, to pen a memoir.
Great redeemer of my lechery,
Bright Dawn of Blessed Hope,

Lay waste to every prideful thing,
Each black infraction of your law.
O Swirling Storm of Holy Anger,

Be patient with me. I’m certain
I will make a second gluttonous
Trip to the festal spread of food.

And I might as well admit, O King
Omniscient, I plan to make a third.
And that will lead to sloth, I know,

If only for the afternoon. Awake,
O sleeper! But not yet, not yet.
I want to dream a dream of light

In Heaven’s towering splendor.
I long, my Lord, to walk its streets
Or better yet, to drive them.

I’ve always wanted a motorcycle,
A cool one that blats and rumbles
Like a herd of flaming zebras.

I could totally impress the ladies
With my holy rolling zebra steed,
But only by your perfect pleasure,

Ruler of the angel armies, blaster
Of the horn of strength, would I ride
The golden highways awesomely.

O Wisdom of the Ages, speak!
Sing to me of secret knowledge
Open wide the gates of truth,

And let me learn it, by your grace,
Through the medium of television–
Smartly written situational comedy,

Perhaps, or an epic space opera.
Let me taste the honey of your word,
My beloved savior. Seriously. Save me

From my wit, my words, my songs,
My sin, my bad poems, my vanity,
My every single human impulse,

Except the ones I like and am able
To justify using my corruptible
Reason, my imperfect understanding,

And my belief in your inexhaustible
Forgiveness. When I awake, saintly,
I will consume a dish of pumpkin pie.

And, as I politely swallow a belch,
I will lean my heart on yours, Almighty,
To whom, alone, is due thanksgiving.

-Andrew Peterson

The Night the Sky Cried

2010-11-11T14:08:00.003-06:00

My trip to Nigeria was filled with a-whole-lotta good and not-anything-really-all-that-bad, so really, I have no complaints. Even this story is not a complaint. It’s just a story about my one not-so-favorite incident from the trip. And it directly led to one of my favorite moments of the entire trip. So it is a bittersweet memory for me. Emphasis on the sweet.

It all began one rainy day at sunset…

We were on our way home from Ibadan (an 8-10 hour drive that we undertook to visit my friend Warren who is teaching there for two years…post about that visit coming soon…) and we got stopped at a police checkpoint. Chinwe and I were in the backseat and Ike was riding shotgun with our personal driver who had been hired to drive us to Ibadan and back. There had been a crazy number of checkpoints throughout the whole day and we managed to get almost to the end of our trip (about an hour away from home) before we got stopped. So that is something to be thankful for.

We ended up being stopped at the checkpoint for about 20 minutes and it was a very stressful 20 minutes for me. Let me tell you why.

The policeman waved us over to stop us and almost as soon as our driver rolled down his window, the officer started yelling. Loud, angry yelling. And that is how he talked to us the entire time that we were stopped.

Now, if you know me well or have ever been in a stressful situation with me, you probably know that I hate yelling. Hate. Abhor. Detest. I clam up, shut down and instantly tear up. It stirs up in me one of the most uncomfortable feelings that I experience. I hate it. And he was yelling.

Strike one.

The officer asked our driver for his papers. He took his license and then continued to press him for this certain clearance paper which the driver did not have (and, if I understood correctly, probably does not exist). He made us open up the back of the car, open our bags, etc. All the time he is asking for the clearance paper. And all the time he is yelling.

Chinwe kept explaining to me that all he really wanted was money – that “I need your clearance paper” is police-officer-speak for “I am going to make you pay me.” And, “There is no such thing/I have never needed it before/I don’t have that paper” is driver-speak for “You’re not getting my money.”

And so the game/conversation/argument continues.

So the officer and the driver went at it for a while. The guard had the driver’s license so we couldn’t just leave. The officer started asking the driver where he had gotten the car…yelling, yelling, yelling…and I just tried to stay quiet in the back and pretend like the assumptions made because of my white skin were not causing and/or complicating the situation.

At one point, the officer walked over to my side of the car and told me to open my door.

Strike two.

At this point, I was pretty scared. I didn’t know what to expect, didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do, etc. I sheepishly opened my door and he stood there an arm’s length away with his AK-47, yelling. Chinwe advised me to pretend like I didn’t know what was going on, but I truly did not need to pretend. I had no idea what the guy was saying. It may have been the accent. It may have been the buzz in my head from all of the raised voices. I don’t know if it was fear or ignorance that blocked my ears, but either way, I did not understand one. single. word that came out of that man’s mouth until he started asking me if I even spoke English. Finally he gave up and let me close my door. Praise Jesus.

After some more heated discussion with the driver, the officer said something about going to the police station (again, if I understood correctly, it was under the premise that he was going to show us the paper that we needed once we got to the police station). He came back around to the passenger side, and made Ike get in the back with us. He climbed in the front seat and directed us to start driving. Before I know it, we are driving down the road with this yelling man and his gun in our car.

Strike three.

At this point, I am officially what I would call “shook up.”

After driving a short distance, Chinwe and Ike gave the officer some money. He took the money, handed our driver his license, got out of the car and we were on our way. Just like that.

Now I had a new problem. The whole ordeal had stirred me up something fierce and all of that fear was now pooling right behind my eyes.

Here’s the thing about being a crier: When feeling a negative emotion (usually sadness or fear, although sometimes anger, too), it is nice to feel like that emotion physically leaves your body through your tears. It is a fairly simple, healthy way to expel unwelcome feelings. On the other hand, when you are in a situation where you can NOT purge through tears (i.e. in a car with three other people, two of whom you barely know and none of whom are nearly as upset as you are) that pool of emotion just sits there. It does not evaporate internally. It must be drained.

It was too much for me in the moment, so I did end up crying there in the car, although it was considerably reserved compared to how I felt. Chinwe just reached over and held my hand. And she kept holding it. I kept crying. She kept holding. Her other hand was sometimes on my knee, sometimes hooked around my arm, but all the time my hand was held. I have no words to describe the comfort of her touch in that moment. I decided right then and there that there are few things greater than a friend who knows the comfort of a hand held in silence. Even if the whole rest of the trip had been a total bust (which it absolutely wasn’t), that one moment so endeared her to me, it would have made the whole trip worth it.

So, like I said, bittersweet. Emphasis on the sweet.

I cried hard for a little bit but then I took a few deep breaths and tried to dam up the best I could. My eyes leaked the whole rest of the way home (1 full hour. Ugh.). I felt like the slowest dripping faucet ever. I liken the tear-dammed feeling to having to pee really, really bad – you know, when you can’t even carry on a conversation or think straight because all you can focus on is NOT peeing. It was that same feeling requiring the same amount of concentration, only I was trying to keep my fluids in my eyes, not in my bladder.

I also spent most of that time thinking about the reality of life abroad in light of the situation. The whole interaction (along with a lot of other things I had already been thinking about in Ibadan) got me thinking about whether I am actually cut out for living abroad after all. Maybe it gets easier with exposure. Maybe things make more sense with more intentional culture learning. Or maybe instead of the proper fire in my belly, I have fear pooling behind my eyes. And I don’t really know what that means for this future abroad that I have been “planning” for so long. So that whole train of thought just added a whole ‘nother layer to the emotion of the situation.

When we finally arrived home, I went to the bathroom, drained the fear out of my eyes into a fistful of toilet paper and promptly flushed it down the toilet.

And then I sat down and wrote this:

“Sometimes, when I was little and it was raining, I would pretend that the clouds were crying, that the sky was sad. But as I watched the raindrops roll down my window, mirroring the tears tracing trails on my cheeks, I wondered if I hadn’t been wrong this whole time. Maybe the sky wasn’t sad after all. Maybe the sky was afraid. Maybe the sky looked down on our world and saw injustice, racial division, anger and systems of corruption that seem overwhelmingly unfixable and maybe she was afraid for us. Afraid of what we have become. And maybe the sky pooled her fear behind the clouds until it ran over and the sky and I cried together.”

Regardless of the reason, I hope the sky has someone who will hold her hand, too.

Another Mother

2010-11-08T21:07:00.011-06:00

I have been blessed with a handful of “mothers” in my life. This is not to discount the role that my true mother has played – there isn’t a soul on earth that could ever compare to her. The love she has shown me, the sacrifices she has made for me, the joy that she brings me – I am at a constant loss for words to describe the place that she holds in my heart.

But there are still “the others.” Beautiful women who have played significant roles in my life and the life of my family. Women who have loved me well, who have cared for me, who have taken interest in my life, been generous with me and wanted well for me.

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly be any more blessed by the number of “mothers” in my life, I found another one.

In Nigeria.

This is Mrs. Edeani (my roommie’s mother who we visited in Nigeria):

Isn’t she beautiful?

If I had to describe her in one word, it would be “amazing.” I know that is kind of a general term to use, but it is the most fitting, all-around descriptor. If I had to describe her in a lot of words, a few of them would be generous, hilarious, loving, kind, beautiful, hospitable, spicy (that one is in regards to her cooking :-D), and motherly. Also, she smells good.

It was an absolute joy and blessing to be in her home for 2.5 weeks. I felt cared for, thought of, protected and loved. I felt comfortable and relaxed. We laughed. We hugged. We talked. She fed me, housed me and lavished me with gifts. She told me she loved me. I cried when we parted.

There were several things I expected to come from this trip. Being blessed by the discovery of another mother who made me feel so well loved and cared for was not necessarily one of them, but it was a welcome surprise, indeed.

I thank God for this woman. (And for her daughter. But that’s a whole ‘nother post).

African Ant Story (to be read "A frikin' Ant Story")

2010-11-04T00:02:00.009-05:00

I have been irrationally afraid of ants ever since 5^th grade.

Why, you ask? Well, allow me to tell you...

As I was going to bed one night, I happened to notice a large insect of some sort running along the edge of the bookshelf that sat on top of one of my dressers. The insect was so large and so grotesque I didn’t even know what it was at the time. At first I decided to just go to bed but I eventually decided I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep imagining this mutant bug running all over my room.

I got out of bed determined to kill it. I ran to the bathroom and grabbed approximately 18 Kleenexes (I am a firm believer that the level of disgust in squishing a bug is inversely proportional to the thickness of your barrier, hence the 18 Kleenexes for 1 unidentified intruder). I returned to my room, stared at the aberrant pest for a long time and worked up my bug-squashing courage. Finally, I raised my hand in preparation to strike and the tiny beast ran behind a Benadryl bottle on my bookshelf.

Not only was it ugly, but now it was hiding so that it could sneak back out under the cover of night and crawl all over me later.

It had to die.

I visualized my attack and ran through at least one “dry run” where I practiced picking up the Benadryl bottle (without actually picking it up) and striking with my other hand, just to get the timing down.

Finally, I was ready.

I snatched the bottle up with my right hand but before my left hand could go in for the strike, dozens of these Frankensteinian creatures began to flood off of my bookshelf. Dozens. Like, probably 50. Or more. They were running around like crazy, knocking into each other and falling off the face of the bookshelf onto the dresser below before making the final plunge over the edge of the dresser and onto the bedroom floor.

I ran to my bed screaming and curled up in the fetal position. Naturally.

Upon hearing my blood-curdling scream, my parents came running to my room (Literally. They both ran to my room) where they found me curled up in aforementioned fetal position screaming “Bugs!! Bugs everywhere!”

Only there were no bugs in sight.

I’m pretty sure my mother immediately started praying for her baby’s sanity while my dad started looking around the room trying to figure out what the heck I was talking about. I finally told him to pick something up and as he lifted another stationary item off of my bookshelf another hoard of six-legged creatures came flooding off my bookshelf.

It. Was. Disgusting.

Long story short (…or long, actually….) they were ginormous carpenter ants that were hyped up on a four-month sugar high. Earlier that summer, my cousin had given me a caramel apple sucker. I took one lick and decided I didn’t like it, so I put the wrapper back over the sucker and laid it on my bookshelf. And left if there. For four months.

And now the sucker was completely gone along with all of the pez in my pez dispensers.

And there were ants ev.er.y.where. Everywhere. Hundreds. Literally hundreds of ants. In my bedroom. Invading my personal space.

I didn't sleep in my room for two weeks and I have hated them ever since (particularly the large, fast ones. Sugar ants and other similarly-sized relatives never really bother me).

Now, to my credit, I will say that I have gotten over a lot of the revulsion I feel when I see ants. For example, when I was in Ecuador in ’03, I had the opportunity to eat lemon ants (little ants that live in logs and actually taste like real lemons. They run back and forth in a hollow little twig and you just stick your tongue in there, scoop up however many you can and eat them. Awesome.). At first I refused, but suddenly I was the only one in my group who hadn’t licked the lemon ants out of the communal log (yes, there were several disgusting things about the whole process) and the pressure was on. I finally worked up my courage, convincing myself that if I just lapped them up and swallowed really fast it wouldn’t really be that bad.

I stuck out my tongue, scooped up the ants and BAM! instant cotton mouth. I couldn’t swallow. Could. Not. Swallow. I could feel those little critters running all over my tongue and up the side of my cheeks.

Ants. In my mouth. Running around.

Have I mentioned that I hate ants?

Nevertheless, I ate them. I did eventually swallow. See how good I am at conquering my fears?!? And, in case you were wondering, they truly do taste like lemons. (But I would still rather just suck on an actual lemon. Pulp can't run up the insides of your cheeks).

Anywho, that is all back story. What I really want to tell you about is the (A)frickin’ ants in Nigeria.

I don’t know exactly how far into the trip I was…I had been in Nigeria long enough to be fully convinced that I loved being there, but that still only narrows it down to “sometime after the second day,” so that is not entirely helpful. Regardless, my deep level of enjoyment was a good buffer for me when I encountered The Ants.

It was another beautiful, relaxing, lazy morning in the Edeani house. I had already enjoyed my morning fare of fried plantains and hazelnut coffee while lounging in my pajamas and reading my book (have I mentioned yet that the trip was awesome?). At some point I moseyed my way back up to the bedroom and settled in to write for a while.

Eventually, whilst looking up from my journal to ponder a thought, I happened to notice an ant running along the top of my purse which was sitting on the desk not too far from the bed. The sight was not all too startling to me considering I had seen the occasional ant around the house and, naturally, it is buggier over there so that is too be expected. Nbd.

A little known fact about me is that I actually really enjoy watching bugs, especially if they are “working.” It fascinates me to think about what they think they are doing and what kinds of instincts lead them to do the tasks that they do. As a matter of fact, earlier that day when I was in the bathroom, I had watched in fascination as one ant came in under the door, scurried over to where 5 other ants were bustling about in what appeared to be random chaos, and then proceeded to turn directly around and lead them in a straight line down the wall and back out underneath the door where he had come from. It was almost as if those 5 had been told to wait there until their leader came back to get them. I could practically see them communicating with one another and then heading out on some sort of mission. I mean, they certainly looked like they were on a mission.

Ants. On a mission. On second thought, I didn’t like the sound of that.

I snapped back to the present time and glanced over at the ant…wait 3 ants…5 ants?!?!....running around the opening of my purse. 2 more ran up out of my purse while I was watching and joined them on the precipice. There were no ants anywhere else. Only on my purse.

Uh oh.

I took an instant mental inventory. It wasn’t long before “open pack of lifesavers” appeared on the list.

Enter 5^th grade flashbacks.

Begin the pep talk.

“Okay, you can do this. You CAN do this. Just go over and look. Go see how many you can see. You have to do something. And you can’t just go get Chinwe. You are way too proud for that. They are ants for goodness sake. Just go look. You did this to yourself. Now fix it.”

I finally decided that dumping the entire contents of my purse onto the middle of the bedroom floor was the only way to 1) get an accurate assessment of the problem, and 2) convince myself there were no more ants in my purse. So that is what I did. I grabbed my purse by the tips of my fingers (imagine how you would grab a purse if it was on fire and you will get a pretty accurate mental picture) and proceeded to dump it as fast I could.

And then I froze.

I just stood there staring at my spilled purse guts while 13 ants ran around in a confused fury.

I would rather there not be any ants, but I will say that 13 is a LOT better than hundreds (thousands?).

It was at that precise moment when my roommate, with movie-script timing, decided to come upstairs to check on me and see what I was up to. What she found me “up to” was standing in the middle of the room holding a shaken-out purse and watching ants run around the pile near my feet. By the look on her face, I don’t think that is quite what she expected to find.

Needless to say, she set about quickly putting an end to the life of my purse ants while I stood there like a bumbling idiot trying to explain why she found me how she found me and trying to convince her that I had NOT been standing there like that for long (although it may have been ever-so-slightly longer than I was trying to make it seem...). Not only did she kill the ants for me, she even swept up the tiny debris - the kind of carpet-clinging debris that can only come from a shaken-out purse - while I went and threw away my partially-eaten lifesavers.

Moral of the story?

I hate African ants just as much as I hate American ants.

And I love my ant-killing roommie.

Somewhere

2010-11-01T20:59:00.001-05:00

I have decided that is where I need to start.

Somewhere.

I have been on an unintentional blogging hiatus. I was already aware of this, but I was reminded of my blogging dearth last weekend when comments were made by four different people over the course of 24 hours.

Ok. I get it. I will blog.

My blogging paralysis is 60% due to my schedule over the past two months and 40% due to not knowing where to start with all the things I want to write about. Over the past ten weeks, I have spent a week in PA with my family, a long Labor Day weekend at the cabin with 20+ people, 2.5 weeks in Nigeria with my roommie, a weekend in the cities for Desiring God’s national conference and a weekend in Chicago for an amazingly beautiful and meaningful “family” wedding. I also went to the state fair, had a dear friend visit and stay at my house for two weeks, read 8 books, watched 16 movies, heard Storyhill in concert twice and saw Wicked for the third time.

Simply put: there is a lot I want to blog about and I don’t know where to start.

So I’m just going to start somewhere. I am going to try not to stew over organizing it like I usually would. It may not even be chronological (if my psyche proves strong enough to withstand such disorganization).

In this case, I guess “somewhere” is one really long excuse.

Oh well. At least it can only get better from here.

I Am Who I Am

2010-10-20T00:37:00.002-05:00

Earlier today, I made a list in my journal titled "Things to Think About."

It is 3 pages long.

It's been years since I took Myers Briggs, but I think I'm still an introvert...

Packing List

2010-08-20T12:35:00.008-05:00

A few items from my list of "Things to Take to PN:"

6 books. Over-ambitious, I know, but I like to have options. I think I need to hurry up and leave before I add any more books to the list.
2 seasons of How I Met Your Mother. Again, over-ambitious (or is making a TV-watching goal, by definition, under-ambitious? I suppose it depends on your view of TV-viewing ). My sis has never seen it and I plan on laughing with her as much as possible.
Malaria pills. Because I leave for Nigeria in 19 DAYS!!!!!
My Flip-Video. Oh boy...this is going to be fun....but I'm not going to say anything about it until I return. :-)
My computer and a couple of old journals. I plan on FINISHING my Nurture Program application with the intention of starting in October when I get back from Nigeria. Praying for diligence on this one. Feel free to join me in that prayer.
A neck pillow. Because I work until midnight tonight and my flight leaves - LEAVES, as in takes-off-from-the-ground - at 0530 tomorrow morning. And I still need to finish packing. Brutal. I am setting three alarms.
Sweatpants and a long-sleeved T-shirt so I don't get myself in a situation where I would have to wear the slanket again.
A couple of piano books so I can enjoy the full-sized grand piano.
My appetite. Oh man, we eat so well when we're there.

Ok, so my appetite isn't actually on my list, but the amazing cooking is definitely one thing I am looking forward to. That, and the jet skis. And the sun. And all the Rook games. And teaching my mom another lesson. And morning devotions on the floating dock. And lazy days on the "party barge." And reading. And laughing. And dancing to Carole King. And Rita's. And executing our plan to make my other sister feel not-quite-so-bad that she can't come this year. And watching movies. And cuddling with my mama while we watch Law & Order. And listening to my dad sing while I play the piano. And hanging out with my extended family.

Can't wait!